When trying to explain my lack of confidence with my creative work to a friend today, a sudden realisation hit me.
I totally believe in my work.
I am totally committed to it.
I do it pretty much every waking moment that I can. It has my yes and confidence. I invest my time and creativity into it.
BUT...
And this is a big but...
My work chooses me. I act as a vessel for it. A crucible for it to come to be through me. I do not sit down and "choose" my work, or plan it. In truth I do not really "create" it.
I need to be there, open and trusting and it comes. My job is to put it down. In words, images, colour...
There are a number of problems with this:
1) I do not know where this "work" comes from.
2) I feel very weird and odd talking about it this way. I would find it much easier to say "yes, it's all mine" and be in control of its content and direction!
3) I am "called" to do "work" which I would not consciously choose.
4) By doing the work, I have to put myself "out there" when really I am much more in my comfort zone being private and small. I am not after ego trips or fame or fortune.
5) I feel my skills are lacking for what I am called to do.
But what I realised this afternoon is this: The work is good. The work is needed. I am blessed to have it.
My feelings about myself are beside the point. And in a way are an insult to the work.
It is truly not about me! Oh no!
And so I need to get out of it. Get out of my own way and show up. For no other reason than to let the work happen.
It doesn't matter what I understand or don't. Why or where it comes from, and if I believe in this or that. The work is there. I am here and it is calling to be born, and I can hear it.
All the rest is pure ego.
That is the truth of the matter.
Do you feel like this about your "work" - be it healing, painting or mothering? Do you say "yes" to your life mission, or keep getting in your own way?
" By doing the work, I have to put myself "out there" when really I am much more in my comfort zone being private and small " - um yep, that pretty much sums me up in a nutshell! I think I write mostly as therapy, to help me get my head round things, and it seems to help some others too. By writing we expose our frailty as well as our strength, it takes balls to put any of it down frankly, but there's not a lot of choice in it. I write because if I don't, the words eat away at me. I guess its the same with painting - you just have to do it or suffer the weight of having it trapped inside you!
ReplyDeleteyes, yes yes! get out of your own way, step back, look, observe this work for the wonderful inspiring stuff it is. The only blockage or problem is your own self doubt. If you need a job for that self let it be the growing of confidence and the shutting of the cake hole if the only thing it's got to say is negative. Believe Lucy...we all do!
ReplyDeleteThanks both. The problem is not so much the cake hole (tho you may beg to differ!!) but the thoughts that go on, behind, unseen...
ReplyDeleteI love this post, Lucy! This is exactly how I feel about my work. I do readings and other spiritual stuff ; ) and because I have chosen to embrace this calling I am being asked to do lots of things I wouldn't normally do. Like marketing my e-course and everything I do. It's so exciting though to be confronted with lots of fears and things I didn't even know would feel uncomfortable. A dear friend is encouraging me to contact two big magazines in Sweden in order to get interviews with them so I can talk about my workshops but this feels sooo weird. I like being private : ).
ReplyDeleteBig hugs, Karina
Oh.My.Goodness.
ReplyDeleteI haven't checked in with your blog for ages, but happened upon it again tonight and BOING! The very thing I've been needing to hear - and in fact have been hearing from my coach of all people (as if I pay her to have opinions! LOL!) - said again to me now.
Thank-you! From the very depths of my being, Thank-you. Message received, universe. I just need to get out of my own way. And do the things that I wouldn't normally do.
I am so happy that you posted this, it was divine timing.
Much gratitude,
Tamara
Oh wow, Tamara, I feel so blessed to have been a Universal messenger to you! When you do your work that's what you're being for someone else that you never even imagined needed YOU xx
ReplyDelete