When trying to explain my lack of confidence with my creative work to a friend today, a sudden realisation hit me.
I totally believe in my work.
I am totally committed to it.
I do it pretty much every waking moment that I can. It has my yes and confidence. I invest my time and creativity into it.
And this is a big but...
My work chooses me. I act as a vessel for it. A crucible for it to come to be through me. I do not sit down and "choose" my work, or plan it. In truth I do not really "create" it.
I need to be there, open and trusting and it comes. My job is to put it down. In words, images, colour...
There are a number of problems with this:
1) I do not know where this "work" comes from.
2) I feel very weird and odd talking about it this way. I would find it much easier to say "yes, it's all mine" and be in control of its content and direction!
3) I am "called" to do "work" which I would not consciously choose.
4) By doing the work, I have to put myself "out there" when really I am much more in my comfort zone being private and small. I am not after ego trips or fame or fortune.
5) I feel my skills are lacking for what I am called to do.
But what I realised this afternoon is this: The work is good. The work is needed. I am blessed to have it.
My feelings about myself are beside the point. And in a way are an insult to the work.
It is truly not about me! Oh no!
And so I need to get out of it. Get out of my own way and show up. For no other reason than to let the work happen.
It doesn't matter what I understand or don't. Why or where it comes from, and if I believe in this or that. The work is there. I am here and it is calling to be born, and I can hear it.
All the rest is pure ego.
That is the truth of the matter.
Do you feel like this about your "work" - be it healing, painting or mothering? Do you say "yes" to your life mission, or keep getting in your own way?