The Myth of Happy Families - Why it Just Can't Work... and How You're Doing Just Fine

How's your day?

Chances are you're tired. Or beating yourself up at getting cross with a child. Or have just had to break up a fight. Or are hiding on the internet just to get five minutes peace.

Or perhaps you are feeling very chuffed because for the last half an hour everything has gone perfectly. You are, for the moment anyway, living the dream. You ARE the perfect parent.

Books for Mothers

“Motherhood can be one of the most intense experiences of a woman's life. While there are many books that offer the “dos and don'ts” of effective parenting, few offer guidance on navigating the tumultuous inner experience of being a mother, with all its joy, pain, change and uncertainty.”

Eden Steinberg, from Finding Your Inner Mama 

Like buses three wonderful books of motherhood have come along at once into my life...which I really want to share with you. So, being me I've gone the whole hog and am sharing ALL my favourite books on mothering to celebrate Mother's Day here in the UK and Ireland this Sunday.

Now I need to be clear here: I am NOT talking about parenting books, (usually written by smug nannies or doctors with willies... which tell you how to do it all -if you're perfect, have no feelings, aren't exhausted, are perfectly patient and have an angel child), and let's all feel guilty cos we're not doing perfectly enough - gah! How I hate those books...

No, I am talking about books of soul, written by mamas, for mamas. Books to nurture, support, inspire, to reflect back the myriad emotions of motherhood through the lens of words and images... and what I love most is that they are published BY women, FOR women - long live indie publishing, it's putting the soul back into books and giving authentic voice to women!

My Creative Inheritance

Welcome to Week Three of the month-long Carnival of Creative Mothers to celebrate the launch of The Rainbow Way: Cultivating Creativity in the Midst of Motherhood
by Lucy H. Pearce. 

Today's topic is Creative Inheritance. Do read to the end of this post for a full list of carnival participants. 

Join the Carnival and be in with a chance to win a free e-copy of The Rainbow Way! Next week is our final week!
December 11th: The Creative Process.

**********

Many parents work themselves to the bone for years to be able to "leave something" for their children. I have been fortunate to have received my inheritance whilst I was still young, and without the loss of my parents.

They have given me a creative inheritance richer than money could buy.

Let me tell you a little about the keys of my creative childhood - the dusty smell of clay and hot parrafin wax in my father's pottery, the golden orbs of Pat Scott's paintings suspended on the rough white walls of the house my father designed and built, my grandmother's button box which I would sift my fingers through, a mother who can sew just about anything, and baked beautifully plaited harvest loaves. And the solace of books which could transport me away from bickering parents and noisy siblings and the terror of not knowing what to say, into other worlds, and bring ideas like butterflies to alight in my mind direct from the minds of others I might never meet though my soul was cut from the same cloth as theirs.

Let me tell you about living in houses whose walls were lined with the most interesting range of books a girl's mind could imagine - art, tantra, spirituality, literature, humour, grammar, gardening, cookery... all accessible. Of houses filled with interesting objects brought back from exotic global travel, objet d'arts, of craft being a part of everyday life - the bowls, glasses, tables and chairs  that we used everyday all handmade, treasured, but never precious.

Let me tell you about my family and their friends who earned a living doing what they loved, who started successful businesses and ventures creating beautiful things: pottery, glass, wood work, furnishings, portraits, food... People who lived lives according to their own rules, in homes designed to their own tastes - some wealthy, some not, but all living their lives on their own creative terms, as best they could.

This is what I hope we are passing on to our children in our turn. This creative legacy which I was so fortunate to have inherited: beauty, possibility; hard work doing what you love; courage; inspiration; the desire to contribute to a more beautiful world. Of being so immersed in creativity that it is as natural and essential as breathing to make something, appreciate something, plan and build and vision and create, in whatever medium or field calls their heart at that moment.

And they are. Already they are.

Building models, painting, drawing, singing, dancing, dreaming, designing, writing books, playing music every day as naturally as breathing. Making ad re-making the world in their own images. Writing and re-writing their own life stories.

My dearest wish for them is that they carry it on into adulthood with them. My job as a creative mother is to inspire, equip and stand guard so that the arbiters of boring life will not take a jot of it away from them.

**********

25% off ALL Lucy's books, 4th Dec only. Use code RAINBOW25.

ORDER YOUR SIGNED COPY of 

The Rainbow Way direct from the author and receive:

• exclusive access to a private Facebook group for creative mothers
• a vibrant greetings card and book-mark of one of the author's paintings.

Kindle and paperback editions from Amazon.co.uk Amazon.com Book Depository, Barnes and Noble

Or order from your local bookshop.

• Carnival host and author of The Rainbow Way, Lucy at Dreaming Aloud celebrates her creative fairy godmothers, and gives thanks for the creative blessings that each has gifted her.
• In 'From Trash To Treasure: Christmas Decoration' Laura from Authentic Parenting shares fond memories crafting with her mom and a little project her mom did recently. 
• Lucy Pierce from Soulskin Musings celebrates the rich creative inheritance of her mother's poetic soul and artful ways. 
• Is thinking differently a curse or a gift? Zoie at TouchstoneZ susses out whether her family legacy might hinder or encourage creativity.
• Pippa at Story of Mum says she is: "Thanking my mum for the gift of dance. I am not a dancer, but her love for dance showed me how to connect to my creative core."
• Dawn Collins at TheBarefootHome Dawn thinks we're all born with a creative inheritance from the mother we all share…Mother Nature.
• Licia Berry at Illumined Arts reflects on the creative inheritance passed on by our ancestral lineage, discovered through sexuality and the Sacred Feminine within, and her own amazing recovery.
• Alex at The Art of Birth explores the nature of creativity. 
• Handcrafts are prayers, that's what Corina from PatchScrap learned from grandmother.
• Jennifer at Let Your Soul Shine retraces her creative inheritance from her childhood and all the way back to the 19^th Century.  
• Kirstin at Listening to the Squeak says "I have always known my creative inheritance and it is so very important for my children to know theirs."
• Creative Inheritance is a Beautiful Thing, says Aimee at Creativeflutters and discusses where her creativity comes from and what influences in her family have helped her on her artistic journey. 
• Georgie at Visual Toast shares her creative inheritance.
• Esther at Nurture Workshop expresses the gift of a creative mind and the doors that are waiting to be opened for those who are willing to explore.
• Whitney Freya at Creatively Fit is inspired by the sacred spark within each of us, a spark that transcends time and is infinitely creative.
• Denise at It Begins with a Verse  looks back at her family's creative inheritance.
• Lys at Stars and Spirals looks at the creative inheritance as described by the astrological chart, drawing on her personal journey into motherhood and reawakened creativity.
• Biromums wrote poems about their creative inheritance.
• Kae at The Wilde Womb reflects on the various artists within her family and how it has shaped her identity and what impression she wishes to leave her own children. 
• Marit's Paper World shares her creative inheritance.
• Lucy at Capture by Lucy  reflects on her experiences of creativity.
• Knitting blankets and the inner landscape--my mother's life's work, writes Nicki from Just Like Play. 
• Something Sacred - Sadhbh at Where Wishes Come From writes about how the creativity of the women in her family has influenced her.
• Mamma Bloom at Breathe and Bloom writes about her creative inheritance.
• Mama is Inspired shares how she loved to make holiday ornaments as a child, and now is continuing that tradition with her own child.
• Ali Baker is a creative mama to twin girls who reignited her creative energy and sense of who she used to be by just doing it and creating whatever needs to be created in an imperfect way. 
• KatyStuff hopes inheritance is a long way off, but, when the day comes her woodworker father has already said he is comforted by knowing his work is in so many homes.
• Jasmine at Brown Eyed Girl realizes that the creativity she craves for so deeply may actually be something that runs deeper than just her imagination.
• Darcel at The Mahogany Way shares her creative journey.
• Rising on the Road shares her experiences at Finding Life in a Death.

Nurturing a Family Culture of Creativity

Welcome to Week One of the month-long Carnival of Creative Mothers to celebrate the launch of The Rainbow Way: Cultivating Creativity in the Midst of Motherhood
by Lucy H. Pearce. 

Today's topic is Nurturing a Culture of Creativity at Home. Do read to the end of the post for a full list of carnival participants.

Join the Carnival and be in with a chance to win a free e-copy of The Rainbow Way!
November 27th: Creative Heroines.
December 4th: Creative Inheritance.
December 11th: The Creative Process.

**********

One of the best bits of having children around is having the “excuse” and the materials on hand to be creative almost all the time! And what is more, we have companions who do not know the rules, who have imagination and energy by the bucket-load.

We have the chance for a second bite of the cherry of childhood. Being a parent gives us so many wonderful opportunities every day to connect with our own creativity again. It allows us to explore a huge variety of art forms that in the adult world we are cut off from because we are not “good enough” to indulge in them, which make the human spirit soar: singing, dancing, storytelling, improvisation, clowning, painting, sculpting, collage, playing percussion, dressing up, puppet shows, model making…the list is endless!

Our role as parents cultivating creativity, as I see it, is four-fold:

• First to provide a rich environment – not necessarily of expensive paints and costumes, but basic materials.
• Second, to step back and see how they intuitively choose to use them and join them in this.
• Third, to share ways that we know to use these materials, and share our skills with them.
• And fourth to model our own creative process to them – both by letting them see “behind the scenes” in our creative lives, to share how our creative process works, and allow them to see us fully absorbed in it.

Creating together is not just about today’s painting or model, but about setting the tone and feeling for your child’s experience of creativity for the rest of their lives. When we can see it as a privilege to engage creatively with our children, our time together becomes richer and more rewarding for us and them.

Nurturing a culture of creativity allows your child to regularly experience autotelic experiences (those which enable a flow state). Csikszentmihaly’s research into flow states found that: "early childhood influences are also very likely factors in determining whether a person will or will not easily experience flow."

So in creating a culture of creativity, not only are you passing on valuable skills, confidence in their own creative ideas and abilities, but you are helping to wire their brains to more easily experience optimal experiences for the rest of their lives.

A culture of creativity honors and requires:

• Space for silence to bloom: for concentrated work, and contemplation.
• Space for sharing our voices, visions, experiences and dreams.
• Appreciation and enjoyment of the process, not judgment of works in progress.
• Courage and respect for trying new things. Being allowed to like them…or not.
• A need for responsibility.
• A time for mess!
• A respect of basic safety guidelines and rules.
• Prioritizing fun.
• Support for developing abilities.
• The understanding that creativity has an intrinsic value, beyond its extrinsic practical worth.
• Self-reliance.
• Dreams, possibility and the fully-fledged imagination.
• Celebration – of big festivals and small mysteries, and knowing how to mourn the losses and failures too.

When we choose to nurture a culture of creativity, we commit to giving our children the support and appreciation necessary for the breathtaking unfolding of their unbounded intellectual, aesthetic, collaborative and imaginative capacities.

We show them that we are responsible for creating our own lives and that we can have a direct impact on every area of them. Our creativity can be used to create our living spaces, the food we eat, the clothes we wear, the gifts we give to each other. But most of all we share directly with them that life is good, and that joy, celebration and beauty are to be nurtured and treasured – that life is not all work, hardship, suffering, nor should it be dominated by practicality and money-making. 

Through nurturing creativity we give our children the practical and emotional skills to be productive, engaged authors of their own destinies. 

**********
**********

ORDER YOUR SIGNED COPY of  The Rainbow Way! and grab your free extras  (first 200 orders only!): - exclusive access to a private Facebook group for creative mothers - a vibrant greetings card and book-mark of one of the author's paintings. Kindle and paperback editions from Amazon.co.uk, Amazon.com Book Depository, Barnes and Noble or order it from your local bookshop!

• Carnival host and author of The Rainbow Way, Lucy at Dreaming Aloud shares an extract from the chapter Nurturing a Family Culture of Creativity.
• Lilly Higgins is a passionate food writer. Now a mother of two boys, she's discovered a new calling: to instil in them a love of food and creativity in the kitchen.
• DeAnna L'am shares how visioning the New Year with your child is an invitation to be inspired: use creativity and resolutions to create a fun road map for the year ahead.
• Molly at Talk Birth on Releasing Our Butterflies - balancing motherhood with creativity.
• Laura shares some of the creativity happening at Nestled Under Rainbows and a few thoughts about creativity.
• Georgie at Visual Toast celebrates her own unique culture of creativity at home.
• Esther at Nurtureworkshop spreads the love of the ordinary, the delights of everyday things that can be an adventure of the imagination.
• For Dawn at The Barefoot Home creativity is always a free form expression to be shared by all in a supportive environment where anything can be an art material.
• Naomi at Poetic Aperture is a mother, artist and photographer who tries to keep her daughter away from the expensive pens and paints.
• Aimee at Creativeflutters writes about keeping your sanity and creativity intact with small kids in the house in her post: Mother + Creativity - They Must Coexist.
• Amelia at My Grandest Adventure embarks on a 30 Days of Creativity challenge...you can too!
• Becky at Raising Loveliness explores creating with her smaller family members.
• Jennifer at Let Your Soul Shine reveals how children help us connect to our souls, through music and movement.
• Mary at The Turquoise Paintbrush shares her experiences of creating with kids.
• Joanna at Musings of a Hostage Mother explains why creativity at home is important to her in her post "I nurture a creative culture."
• It took until Amy at Mama Dynamite was pregnant aged 35 to discover her dormant creative streak - she has found lovely ways of tuning into it every since.
• Emily at The Nest explores how creativity runs through her family's life together.
• Jennifer at OurMuddyBoots sees that encouraging creativity in children is as simple as appreciating them for who they are: it just means overriding everything we know!
• Lisa from Mama.ie has discovered that a combination of writing and traditional crafts can provide a creative outlet during those busy early years of new motherhood.
• Anna at Biromums shares what nurturing a culture of creativity means to her.
• Zoie at TouchstoneZ argues that the less they are interfered with, the more creative children become as they grow up.
• Darcel at The Mahogany Way celebrates creating with her kids.
• Sally (aka The Ginger Ninja) of The Ginger Chronicles is continually inspired by her own mum and grandmother.
• Just being creative is enough, says Nicki at Just Like Play, as she ponders her journey of nurturing a creative family.
• Allurynn shares her creative family's musings in her post "Creativity... at the Heart of it" on Moonlight Muse.
• Laura at Authentic Parenting explores how being creative saves her sanity.
• Mama is Inspired talks about how she puts an emphasis on the handmade in her home, especially in the holiday season.
• Kirstin at Listen to the Squeak Inside shares with you several easy ways for busy mamas and dads to encourage their children to be creative every day.
• Mila at Art Play Day always lived in her dreams, sleepwalking through life ... now she is finding out what creativity is all about.... her inner child!
• Sadhbh at Where Wishes Come From describes how picture books can nurture creativity in young children.
• On womansart blog this week - nurturing a creative culture at home.

The Wait is Over... It's Here!!!!!

THE WAIT IS OVER!

I know, it feels like forever... but it's finally here!

THE RAINBOW WAY!!!!! My book baby. The biggest book I've ever written - over 2 1/2 times the pages and almost 4 times the words of Moon Time. The Rainbow Way is 335 pages of life-changing glorious words, ideas, exercises, reflections and support which are about to be let loose on the world and I am so excited I can barely contain myself. I keep reminding myself it's "just" a book. 

But who I am kidding? 

It is SO much more! It's massive in every way! It is pure creative energy, insight and inspiration in page form. It's the book that changed my life in the writing of it. Totally transformed me, from depressed stay at home mama to the rainbow coloured creative entrepreneur you see glowing before you.

I am SO excited that you can finally ORDER YOUR VERY OWN COPY NOW! And then tell me what YOU think about it, and how it's transforming YOUR life. Do leave reviews on Amazon or email them to me! It's available from Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk too! W

ant to know what glory stuff is packed into it? Check out the list of contents and extracts.

"Is this is the creative rainbow mama book?" people keep asking me - yes, yes, yes it is!

It's the very first book I started writing... and the most recent book I have written. It's been two and a half FULL years. This book has carried me from aspiring writer through self-published to now published author. 

This is the book that when I am skating on the edge of burn out refer myself back too. Or when I am feeling uninspired and all dried up, or frustrated with the creative process. It is my go-to guide... even though I wrote it! How mad is that - to read your own book? 

But don't just take my word for it. Read what some of my biggest creative heroines have said about it - their words of praise for it leave me truly breathless.

Wow, look a nice, shiny BUY NOW button. I dare you to press it... butterflies will fly out of your computer screen... 

Wow! Magic! ... Well not now... but when you open its pages. So say the women who've already gotten their hands on a copy.

Buy one for yourself, for your sister, your best friend, your grown up daughter, put it on your Christmas wishlist!

The first 200 copies are signed and include:

• an inspiring book-mark
• a vibrant greetings card of one of my paintings (you can even put in a request for your favourite!!)
• exclusive access to private Facebook group for creative mothers. 

But even more exciting there is a SPECIAL BONUS GIFT!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember when I was designing covers for it? Well 10 4 lucky customers will receive an original labyrinth mono-print that I made (7x5 inches). Each picture is totally unique, and naturally quite rainbow-ish. (*Orders number 1,12, 25,38, 52, 71, 84 and 99 and the first 2 orders of 2+ copies will all receive a print!)

I'll see you over in our secret hang out on Facebook - there are already nearly 50 women there: it is a supportive place to network, meet other creative mamas, find resources and get inspired. After the busyness of the launch I will be doing some group projects in there too!

And don't forget to join us for the online launch - 4 glorious weeks of creative mothers around the world writing about nurturing creativity, creative heroines, creative inheritance and the creative process, linking up in blog land... starting tomorrow!!! We have over 70 women from around the world signed up already! You can find out more and JOIN US here!

PS. Kindle and paperbacks editions are available from Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com too - I just don't make much of a living from them. (Please do leave me a review!)

Paperback editions are also stocked by Book Depository, Barnes and Noble...or order it from your local bookshop!

ISBN: 978-1-78279-028-0
ebook ISBN: 978-1-78279-027-3

Tender

Yesterday a lovely blog reader shared a comment on my post about doing battle with my daughter:

"I know this scene! We can do that dance. Just last night. Afterwards my daughter made me a card, carefully cut out with coloured in love hearts and best handwriting "To Mum, mum loves me, I love mum" (oh!) and sweet words, connection, understanding. This love is so huge. "

Reading it, a rather profound thought just occurred to me - maybe the fight beforehand is a way of tenderising us, like the way we bash meat with a mallet to make it less tough.

Perhaps anger, battles and even hate are the best way the Universe knows of opening us fully to love. Of taking away our defences, leaving us standing there vulnerable and open so that love can just pour in. So that we can really feel it to the tips of our toes, really feel how big and true it is, so that we can, even if just for a moment, have our entire beings taken over by love, and feel the most profound connection - made even more special by knowing how it feels to be absent from it and have come so close to losing it.

Imagine.

I think it might just be true!

And if it is, it means that everything that comes between us is just interference in the bandwidth of pure love flowing between us all.

Join the Carnival of Creative Mothers!

You've been on this journey with me for a long time, dearest reader. And the birth is in sight... (so bear with me as I break into colour and different sized fonts! That's what happens when I get over excited!

The Rainbow Way: Cultivating Creativity in the Midst of Motherhood 

will be out at the end of November! 

(For more about the book, an extract, free audio file, and to read what people are saying about it, head over to the book’s main website.)

To celebrate, I am planning a month-long blogging carnival of creative women!

And I would love YOU to join us!

Starting on the 20th November, each Wednesday, women around the world will be blogging on one of the central themes of my book...

November 20th: Nurturing a Culture of Creativity at Home
November 27th: Creative Heroines
December 4th: Creative Inheritance
December 11th: The Creative Process.

Sign up here! and tell your friends about it! Read on for more details!


If you haven't come across blogging carnivals before, they're great fun! (And you don't need to dress up or dance in the streets!!) Bloggers around the world write on a set topic, and the blogs are linked up, so you can hop from one to another, discovering all the wonderful bloggers out there... and they can discover you! Your job is to write a great post, and mine is to do the magic link up by giving you a piece of code that you cut and paste in at the end of your post!)

One of my favorite aspects of The Rainbow Way is the tapestry of so many women's voices speaking of their own experiences, and I envisage this carnival as a beautiful, living extension of that. There are currently 75 women signed up to take part! That makes me SO happy!

This is your chance to connect with other creative women around the world, spread the word about your blog and creative work, and help share the launch of my book.... I’m on a mission to let every creative woman know that this book is there for them, to support and inspire. Thank you in advance for YOUR part in that!

As an extra thank you I am doing a GIVEAWAY! 5 carnival contributors will receive an e-copy of The Rainbow Way.  Each carnival post is one entry to the draw! Entries will be chosen at random and will be announced on 7th December.

The details!

First things first - sign up now, even if you're not quite sure what your post will be about - then I have you on my list and can email you to remind you to add in the details nearer the time!

Whilst I ask you to stick (broadly) to each week's theme, please dive deep into the topics, write from your heart, jive and jam with them in a way that feels good. Be creative! Be authentically you! The questions below are simply meant as prompts to your own spirit to get your juices flowing!

I look forward to reading your posts - be sure to mail them to me at
trwlaunch [at] gmail [dot] com before the carnival!

Week 1: Nurturing a culture of creativity at home

• How important is creativity in your home?
• How do YOU nurture a culture of creativity at home?
• What drives you nuts about creating with kids?
• What clever tips do you have to pass on to other families to make creating together fun?
• Share a seasonal craft or creative activity for families.

Carnival date: 20th November
Last sign up date: 15th November
Sign up form
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Week 2: Creative Heroines

• Which artists, creative souls and mothers, living or dead, famous or not, have inspired YOU on your journey? Tell us how and why…
• And who have been your big teachers and influences and why?
• How do you identify with or struggle with being a creative mother?
• How do you support yourself as a creative mother?
• Is it important to you to support other creative mamas – how do you do this?

Carnival date: 27th November
Last sign up date: 23rd November
Sign up form
­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Week 3: Creative Inheritance

• What is YOUR creative inheritance? Does creativity run through your family blood?
• How important... or not... is creativity to your family's identity?
• What are you passing on to YOUR children?
• Have you followed in your family’s footsteps or branched out on your own?
• What influence does the creativity of your ancestors have on your own work?

Carnival date: 4th December
Last sign up date: 29th November
Sign up form
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Week 4: The Creative Process

• What does the creative process feel like to you?
• Do you have an image of it? How can you describe it?
• Who/ what is the muse?  How do you contact it?
• What are your sure-fire ways of getting in the creative mood? And what blocks you?

Carnival date: 11th December
Last sign up date: 6th December
Sign up form

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Emotional Stew with Dumplings on Top

My feelings are all of a muddle.

I had been warned by mothers a-plenty that this would happen. But, in the way we all get through life, I had decided that it wouldn't happen to me. That I would be different. I was, after all, exempt from the emotions of other mere mortals.

Yeah right!

So the morning that I have been longing for for almost 4 years arrives. Ash started playschool today. And now all three kidlets are in school/ playschool five mornings a week.

Am I dancing on the rooftops?

Nope. My mama heart is broken open, sad and lonely. Echoes of silence mock my glee at being alone. I go to a cafe to be fed and have company.

I am sad.

But I know I will be happy.

I feel empty, but know I will be fuller and richer as a result.

I am an emotional stew with dumplings on top!

Change, change, change. That is the only constant in this life. We long for it... then suffer through it. And never learn. As stifling as the present moment usually is, the future is often emptier. Emptiness opens up space for potential new growth. But it is only when we have the space that we see how much we are attached to the past that we struggled with.

Not Normal (otherwise known as Mothering with Mental Illness)

I am Not Normal. That’s the truth I’ve been running from for years.

And it hurts.

If I’d known then, what I know now, I wouldn’t have had three children.

There, there’s the rub. Wouldn’t have had those three sweet creatures. Wouldn’t have imposed myself on them as their mother. If I had known that in fact I was Not Normal.

(Woah there, don’t even start with your anodyne “but who is normal?” comments… I am venting, so hear me out! It's kinda fun! No need to make me feel better or sprinkle fairy dust on me here.)

If I’d have known that what I thought were my grumpiness and moodiness and irrational ability to freak out at everything were actually the co-morbid triplets of bipolar, anxiety and migraines, and they were lifelong, I would not have chosen to be a mother.

Truth.

Because motherhood for the normal is hard. It is long. Relentless. It requires energy and patience and the ability to at least try to love unconditionally.

But when you’re Not Normal… it’s one fuck load harder. Promise!

It requires hormonal upheaval which triggers episodes. It causes massive sleep deprivation which trigger episodes. It requires consistency. It requires that you put the care of another at or above the care you give yourself. And when there are three others, and you have a lot of your own needs….

It sucks. And you fuck up a lot.

You know what, I feel angry. And let down. That no doctor, despite me mentioning every time I was asked about family histories, ever picked up on it. Never. That the midwife, when I tried admitting, which took great courage, how shaken I was feeling during pregnancy and after birth, despite knowing my history, told me to pull my golden cloak round me.

MY FUCKING GOLDEN CLOAK WOMAN?! There’s something seriously wrong with me, this is Not Normal and you’re talking about golden fucking cloaks. It took me over a year to get up the courage to tell another medical professional that I really wasn’t coping. A year of serious, serious struggling. And the medicine he gave me took me to a whole other wacky level of Not Normal – so once again I was alone with it. Story. Of. My. Life.

I don’t feel like sharing events. But there were events during pregnancy and post partum that should have been red flags to the medical establishment. Episodes which were Not Normal. They would have been flags to anyone who knows about these things. But I didn’t, and my husband and family didn’t. And so we muddled on. Me, and him in our own secret world. Well my secret world of normal make believe – I’m a trained actress, you know. Occasionally I had to let him into quite how Not Normal things were. I’m sure at times he thought I was nuts… and I was! Its just no one else fucking realised.

I always thought I just needed to cop myself on. To pull myself together. BE NORMAL is my mantra. I study normal people. Do what they do around the edges of my life as a subterfuge. All the time beating myself up internally for not being able to do this Normal thing well enough to make it real for myself, the way everyone else can. I beat myself up for being over-emotional, over-dramatic, feeling too much, being hormonal. In short being overwhelmed, and not coping a lot of the time.

Normal = being able to cope with reality.

Most of the time I can’t….

Though someone fucking clever, and NOT Normal, once said, let me mangle it nicely for you, that “It’s a sign of mental illness, not mental health to be well-adjusted to a sick world.” I agree. But the Men in White Coats and School Teachers and Tax Inspectors do not. They are the Arbiters of Normal – they are not my folk! I hang with the artists, hippies, dreamers, poets, dancers, mad ones and earth mothers. We dig Not Normal in all sorts of funky ways.

Not coping with Normal does my nut. I really want to cope. I want to be stable and Normal and reliable to the rest of the world, but really for my kids. I REALLY hate that I’m not. REALLY. It cuts me up so bad.

And please don’t give me the “but you’re such a good mum, your kids are lucky to have you” bollocks. Yes, I’m better than someone who’s struggling with addiction, someone who’s sexually or physically abusing their kids. But that’s quite a low bar really for a perfectionist. I am irritable, regularly too tired to do anything, get anxious doing the weekly shop, struggle having their friends over for playdates, struggle socialising with all but my immediate close circle, our house is in chaos, I tend to freak out at birthdays and Christmas, I’m always sick, I can shout and scream, am always distracted.  Sure I can be fun, do creative stuff together and am affectionate. But really, they have quite a bum deal. And so do I. It’s hard enough being like this, feeling like this, but then feeling guilty about the impact that this has on others. That triples sucks. Specially when you super love those people. I have experienced this from both sides now. I know how it sucks both ways. Yup, woo-hoo I’d like to receive my Buddha certification, I’ve passed my test in General Compassion and can bugger off to hippie heaven.

But instead I’m still here, making amends for recent crappy behaviour, pulling myself through cups of tea that I’ve been avoiding, trying to focus on school uniforms, and brushing teeth, and stacking dishwashers.

When really I don’t give a flying fuck about any of it and would much prefer to be in my own little bubble with a book, Pinterest, a pen and some paper. All the time.

I struggle with how much they need from me still, and can just see how many more years into the future it stretches. As I said… if I knew then, what I do now I would have made very different decisions. But that’s the thing about having kids. You can’t really make decisions afterwards, except ones that cut like a knife, and so you’re stuck struggling. Knowing you want better for them. Knowing you can’t deliver. Knowing that most of the time your crapness is better than nothing. Yes what a heartening thought – my crap presence is, 95% of the time better than my total absence. Cheering! But I love them and I wish them a perfectly Normal mother. I wish them the mother I wanted to be, I thought I was going to be when I started sprogging.

I feel angry, and sad. Sad for me, for my husband, and most of all for my kids, who really don’t deserve to have to differentiate what is really me and what is my illness. I have tried to explain it in simple terms, what this illness is, what my true feelings for them are. I try regularly. It tends to garner blank looks or be brushed off. My Not Normal is Normal for them! That makes me sad… and happy. But with the added awareness that Not Normal passes down families and a sneaking suspicion of the reality that it has, I try to model openness and honesty in the face of this hugeness within which I live. It comes out as a strange mix of apologies, snot and fake blasé matter-of-factness.

But now at least I know, when I see others enjoying motherhood, blooming during pregnancy, doing OK to keep house, that YES, actually there IS something wrong with me. I’m officially Not Normal. Any of the Arbiters of Normal could prove that to you. I just keep my head down and out of sight so they can’t. Arbiters of Normal can be malicious fuckers to the Not Normalers of this world.

It’s a kind of dance we do. We know we’re Not Normal, and so do they. But as long as our Not Normalness is still within the realms of Normalness they’ll leave us alone. So we learn to do a good show of Normal 101 to avoid detention, drugs, scalpels, shocks and separations.

And meanwhile daily life continues as it always does. Have kids, try to be Normal. Hate being normal. Can’t do Normal. Feel like you're a crap mum. Repeat ad infinitum. Have good day. Believe it is your new Normal. YOU can do... Oh, no. actually you can't.

Meh!

See you in the introverted artist area in the red tent at the hippie festival of dreams, far from the unsuspecting eyes of the Arbiters! I’m the one with the flouncy skirt curled up with a book. Looking most definitely Not Normal – a fact which I’ve always secretly enjoyed about myself!

Doing it right: what I knew before I had kids...

Welcome to the June 2013 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting in Theory vs. in Reality
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants are sharing how their ideas and methods of parenting have changed. 

I am very honoured that my post was selected to be featured on the Natural Parents Network  website today, so you'll have to head over there to read the whole thing!! 

I also wanted to let you know you can catch me on www.12radio.com today talking about my new book, Reaching for the Moon: a girl's guide to her female cycles which launched last week, currently available from my website The Happy Womb and Amazon.

***

Before I had children I knew, to the marrow of my bones, that I would do it right.
I was born to be a good mother. A mother who was available, devoted and loving.
A mother who was always there, without question.
I would know how to soothe a crying baby. Though of course my babies would not cry very much.
And my babies would sleep.
Because I would do it right.


Read more about my parenting journey in my guest post today at Natural Parents Network. They are featuring my post - Doing It Right: What I Knew Before I Had Kids - for the June 2013 Carnival of Natural Parenting!

***
Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants (posts will be live and updated no later than afternoon on June 11):

• My little gastronomes — "I'll never cook a separate meal for my children," Maud at Awfully Chipper vowed before she had children; but things didn't turn out quite as she'd imagined.
• Know Better, Do Better. Except When I Don't. — Jennifer from True Confessions of a Real Mommy was able to settle in her parenting choices before her children arrived, but that doesn't mean she always lives up to them.
• Judgments Made Before Motherhood — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama looks back on her views of parents she came in contact with before she became a mother and how much her worldview of parenting has changed!
• A Bend in The Road — Lyndsay at ourfeministplayschool writes about how her visions of homeschooling her son during the elementary school years have changed drastically in the last year - because HE wants to go to school.
• I Wish Children Came with Instruction Manuals — While Dionna at Code Name: Mama loves reading about parenting, she's not found any one book that counts as an instruction manual. Every child is different, every family is different, every dynamic is different. No single parenting method or style is the be-all end-all. Still, wouldn't it be nice if parenting were like troubleshooting?
• The Mistakes I've Made — Kate at Here Now Brown Cow laments the choices she made with her first child and explains how ditching her preconceived ideas on parenting is helping her to grow a happy family.
• I Only Expected to Love... — Kellie at Our Mindful Life went into parenting expecting to not have all the answers. It turns out, she was right!
• They See Me Wearin', They Hatin' — Erin Yuki at And Now, for Something Completely Different contemplates putting her babywearing aspirations into practice, and discussed how she deals with "babywearing haters."
• Parenting Human Beings — Erika Gebhardt lists her parenting "mistakes," and the one concept that has revolutionized her parenting.
• Doing it right: what I knew before I had kids... — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud, guest posting at Natural Parents Network realises that the number one game in town, when it comes to parenting, is judgement about doing it right. But "doing it right" looks different to everybody.
• A synopsis of our reality as first time parents — Amanda at My Life in a Nut Shell summarizes the struggles she went through to get pregnant, and how her daughter's high needs paved the way for her and her husband to become natural parents.
• Theory to Reality? — Jorje compares her original pre-kid ideas (some from her own childhood) to her personal parenting realities on MommaJorje.com.
• The Princess Paradigm — Laura at Pug in the Kitchen had planned to raise her daughter in a sparkly, princess-free home, but in turn has found herself embracing the glitz.
• Healthy Eating With Kids: Ideal vs. Real — Christy at Eco Journey In The Burbs had definite ideas about what healthy eating was going to look like in her family before she had kids. Little did she realize that her kids would have something to say about it.
• How to deal with unwanted parenting advice — Tat at Mum in Search thought that dealing with unwanted parenting advice would be a breeze. It turned out to be one of her biggest challenges as a new mum.
• How I trained my 43 month old in 89 days! — Becky at Old New Legacy used to mock sticker charts, until they became her best friend in the process of potty training.
• My Double Life: Scheduling with Twins — Mercedes at Project Procrastinot was banging her head against the wall trying to keep up with the plan she made during pregnancy, until she let her babies lead the way.
• Parenting in the land of compromise — As a holistic health geek trying to take care of her health issues naturally, Jessica at Crunchy-Chewy Mama regrets that her needs sometimes get in the way of her children's needs.
• Practice Makes Good, Not Perfect — Rachael at The Variegated Life comes to see that through practice, she just might already be the parent she wants to be.
• 3 Dangerous Myths about Parenting and Partnering: How to Free Yourself and Your Family — Sheila Pai at A Living Family shares in theory (blog) and reality (video) how she frees herself from 3 Dangerous Myths about Parenting and Partnering that can damage the connection, peace and love she seeks to nurture in her relationships with family and others.
• 5 Things I Thought MY Children Would Never Do — Luschka at Diary of a First Child largely laughs at herself and her previous misconceptions about things her children would or wouldn't do, or be allowed to do.
• Policing politeness — Lauren at Hobo Mama rethinks a conviction she had about modeling vs. teaching her children about courtesy.
• The Before and The After: Learning about Parenting — Amy at Me, Mothering, and Making it All Work reminisces about the perspective she held as a young adult working with children (and parents) . . . before she became a mother.
• Parenting Beliefs: Becoming the Parent You Want to Be — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses how we can make a mindful decision to become the parent we want to be. Decisions we make affect who we will become.
• The Great Breastfeeding Debacle — In Lisa at The Squishable Baby's mind, breastfeeding would be easy.
• What my daughter taught me about being a parent — Mrs Green asks, "Is it ever ok to lock your child in their bedroom?"
• Sensory Box Fail! — Megan at The Boho Mama discovers that thoughtful sensory activities can sometimes lead to pasta in your bra and beans up your nose.
• Montessori and My Children – Theory vs. Reality — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares her experiences with Montessori parenting and describes the results she sees in her now-adult children.
• How I Ended Up Like My Tiger Mom With Peaceful Parenting — Theek at The Laotian Commotion somehow ended up like her Tiger Mom, even though she purposely tried for the complete opposite as a peaceful parent.
• I Like The Mother I Am Now More Than The Mother I Intended To Be — Darcel at The Mahogany Way thought she would just give her kids the look and they would immediately fall in line.

<!-- END BOTTOM STRAIGHT LIST CODE --!>