Really. Truly.

What is love but loving?

Learning and laughing,

Risking and sharing,

Fearing and fearing some more,

But having the courage to overcome it all.

Love is jumping into a fast flowing stream and not knowing where it will take you.

It is someone who you can discuss both the price of coffee and the deepest yearnings of your soul,

Interchangeably.

Loving is knowing to trust the unknown and rejoice in the cycles of familiarity.

Loving is having the courage to hold a mirror up to your own face,
And not be too proud to admit your failings.

Intangible: 
The stuff all life is made of.

Love is having a hand to hold as you dive into your dreams,

A hand to guide you and a hand to let you go.

(Words I wrote for our wedding ceremony)

Today is our eighth wedding anniversary.

When I think back to us then, I had just turned 24. "Too young" said many. "Are you sure?"

For most around us we were a done deal since we first met. And it was. It has always felt inevitable. Meant to be. It was like the heavens said "Here, here is your life partner, he is a gentle, kind, loving, compassionate man, someone who will be devoted to you in your darkest hour, your only task is just not to fuck it up - don't get impatient, don't run off looking for thrills, don't get bored - if you are willing to learn the lesson of commitment, then this is our gift to you."

And I have nearly fucked it up. Many times in 14 years.  The heavens know me too well. Mainly over sex - not wanting it, not really enjoying it, of wanting it with other people; over wanting to live apart; over my academic ambitions; over domestic chores; over general frustration; through maternal despair and exhaustion. And I'm sure I've got plenty more opportunities to fuck it up lying straight ahead. In fact, that's something I can guarantee.

But he has never once nearly thrown in the towel on us (at least that I know of!) And believe me it's not that I'm easy to live with. That shows you the kind of man he is!

Let me share what I said that day we married in the tea house:

"Relationships have always been the most integral and important part of my life, and the central relationship for me is my partnership with Patrick. I am not a half-hearted sort of person. I only do things which I am passionate about, and this and he is something I am truly passionate about. I feel so blessed to have him in my life. Today is another important step for me, for us: the chance for me to put my full and public commitment behind our relationship. In recognition of our life together, and our unity when heading into the future.

I see our relationship as a ground for challenge and adventure, both individually and together- a place to learn more about ourselves and relationships in all areas of our lives. To open ourselves out rather than to close ourselves off. To me this celebration is my own true acknowledgement of what is. That is my partnership with a wonderful man who loves and cares for me often more than I am capable of myself, who believes in me totally and doesn’t let me sell myself short. 

Patrick is a man of true integrity, justice and immense loyalty, as all of you who are close to him will know. He, even more than me, isn’t one for show- what you see is what you get. He is a man of high principles which he lives, and of lofty dreams which he doesn’t surrender to cynicism. His intellectual abilities go without saying, but his capacity for reflection, for true appreciation of beauty and the wonder of nature and human skill is humbling. But most of all, as many of you will testify he is the best friend one could hope for- in sickness and health, for better for worse he is there- I haven’t tried the richer and poorer bit- but here’s hoping! I have such deep respect for him, though I don’t show it nearly enough. I love the life we share and I look forward to continuing on our journey together and all that our futures may hold."

This has been the year, due to circumstances and conscious decisions, that we became a truly solid partnership, rather than a couple - when we really found our groove and each other in all our depths and complications. And truly, this has been our best year. Really. And for that I am delighted. Amazed. Grateful.

It took the madness of parenting three young kids. Of really struggling to keep our sanity and values with the parenting of our most challenging child. Of deciding to follow our hearts with work. Of having almost no money. Of deep support through mental disintegration. Of truly finding each other intimately, tenderly, passionately.

This year we have truly seen each others strengths and weaknesses in action. Learning better when to give space, when to give support, when to take over and when to kick ass. 

He is slow, I am speedy. He is thorough, I am slapdash. He chokes almost every time he has a drink and I get hiccups when I eat mashed potato. He gets addicted to long running American drama series and I have a serious Pinterest habit.

We know each other through and through at this stage.

He teaches me commitment, about giving myself wholly and mindfully to the task in hand and doing it thoroughly. He gives me perspective and shows me how to talk myself down from insanity, despair and emotional meltdown. He teaches me truly about giving myself to the moment.

I teach him how to unleash his creativity and sensuality, how to talk from the heart and share feelings, how to keep on trying to find his passion and live it out, to take risks and be impetuous, how to go easy on himself.

We agree to disagree on the relative merits of opera versus Eva Cassidy. But there is so much we share: our  love of travel, good food, stand up comedy, The Cat Empire and Thai rock, a glass of wine, bonfires, mornings in bed, and our three precious, quirky children...

And each other.

I love you PT.

Really. Truly.

Who is reading this? and why?!!

Dreaming Aloud feels like it is in transition. I am not quite sure the shape it is taking.

It started out as a blog on living philosophy, attached to my Juno column of the same name. When I started it I didn't really 'get' blogging. I thought it was an online diary, which I didn't really feel inspired to try. So instead I decided to use it as a place to park everything that I was writing, rather than on my hard disk.

I was a stay at home mama to three, writing the occasional feature and editing Juno. I felt trapped. I could only glimpse what I wanted.

Through the life time of this blog many things have changed. I now have a book, have started painting and am more drawn to the visual and women's mysteries. I spend less time mothering, thank goodness, I am not a natural mother, and am not trapped. I feel like I have built up a following of people who like and expect my blogging emotive posts on mothering, but I have moved on. To that end I am also going to give up one of my long time writing jobs which no longer resonates with where I am at.

I rarely sit and pour my heart out in writing now like a dam about to burst. Painting is my outlet and writing my work. My writing commitments to so many other projects mean that this blog is often on my to-do list. I feel there are expectations, from me and you.

In its time I have done series on books, on money, I have reviewed restaurants, shared art and poetry, shared our life as a family, written about birth and community...

I aim to inspire, to share, to add beauty and to keep it real...

What is the uniting factor? What IS Dreaming Aloud?

Dear reader, why do you come back to Dreaming Aloud? What do you get from it? Who is reading and why?

Sweet Pea

Another day, another painting. As you can see from the blog,  my writing is in hibernation and painting in full bloom. I feel I should apologise, to those of you who enjoy the writing. But... I'm guessing there's no need, bearing in mind it's my blog! It feels like it's going through a latent period at the moment, until it takes its new form come September...

I manage to make myself feel guilty for painting. Even though I will probably earn more from my painting than my writing this year - I just feel like I "should" be writing. Madness! Especially when I am currently studying a time-limited painting e course and have committed to minimal writing commitments so that I can recharge my creative juices over the summer.

There is, it seems, no end to guilt!

So let me introduce you to the Queen of the Sweet Peas (who is still a work in progress) who has emerged all by herself. She was just a plain queen (the title of the course is "Queen of your own heart" but I'd already painted one that I was attached to (see my last post). I was just going throguh the motions, really, so that I could learn the techniques that I really need to up my painting game to the next level.

But then the spirals turned into tendrils, her jewelery into sweetpea pods! (which are a little yoni like too! - something those of you who follow my Pinterest boards will notice the yoni jewelery being pinned on my boards at the moment - yoni-shaped, might I add,  not for the yoni - not quite there yet!!)

So I raced to Pinterest to put together a board of sweet pea images to draw from.

And then I realised Sweet Pea was my nickname at school! And the flower I choose for my wedding - our 8th wedding anniversary is at the weekend. We have perennial sweet peas coming into flower outside our kitchen door at the moment.

Synchronicity!

Sweet pea...

High summer blooms

On Regal upstanding stems

Your Jewel tones

Fit for a queen

Or baby pastels

For the fairies

And lovers

Who make their vows beneath

Your tangled tendrils

Reaching, climbing, embracing, tumbling,

Intoxicated by your perfumed heaven.

Your delicate flowers

So feminine

Sing of sea shells

The mystery of the opening yoni

Embodied sensuality

Gardeners delight.

The Queen of my Heart

As I finish off my work for the exhibition a whole new painting chapter is emerging. Goddess figures (as those of you who follow me on Pinterest can attest!)

Painting with Shiloh Sophia is awakening dreams....

The sisterhood of tribal women (what I've been painting)

So the date of the exhibition is set, half the invites are out, and I'm finishing off the paintings that I have been "stuck" on. Am doing two e courses at the mo - one called "Queen of your heart" with Shiloh Sophia - which is a magical creative journey with lots of great acrylic and portrait technique thrown in.

There are quite a few in the "sisterhood" of wild and tribal women now - will be strange to let some go! But I know that anyone who is called to buy one will be called by them as I am, and she will sing to her soul.

Saying "Yes!" to your mission

When trying to explain my lack of confidence with my creative work to a friend today, a sudden realisation hit me.

I totally believe in my work. I am totally committed to it. I do it pretty much every waking moment that I can. It has my yes and confidence. I invest my time and creativity into it. 

BUT...

And this is a big but...

My work chooses me. I act as a vessel for it. A crucible for it to come to be through me. I do not sit down and "choose" my work, or plan it. In truth I do not really "create" it. I need to be there, open and trusting and it comes. My job is to put it down. In words, images, colour...

There are a number of problems with this:
1) I do not know where this "work" comes from.
2) I feel very weird and odd talking about it this way. I would find it much easier to say "yes, it's all mine" and be in control of its content and direction!
3) I am "called" to do "work" which I would not consciously choose.
4) By doing the work, I have to put myself "out there" when really I am much more in my comfort zone being private and small. I am not after ego trips or fame or fortune.
5) I feel my skills are lacking for what I am called to do.

But what I realised this afternoon is this: The work is good. The work is needed. I am blessed to have it. My feelings about myself are beside the point. And in a way are an insult to the work.

It is truly not about me! Oh no!

And so I need to get out of it. Get out of my own way and show up. For no other reason than to let the work happen.

It doesn't matter what I understand or don't. Why or where it comes from, and if I believe in this or that. The work is there. I am here and it is calling to be born, and I can hear it.

All the rest is pure ego.
That is the truth  of the matter. 

Do you feel like this about your "work" - be it healing, painting or mothering? Do you say "yes" to your life mission, or keep getting in your own way? 

Pin-tastic creative ideas

Welcome to the July 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Family Creations
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared crafts, recipes, and philosophies of creativity. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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My rule of thumb is this: whatever makes my creative fires burn normally works for my kids too. 


I have a number of deeply thought out philosophical theories as to why this might be but it all boils down to this highly complex equation:

Mama doing something she is interested in = Happy mama

Happy mama = happy kids

Kids not under pressure to do or perform = happy kids

Happy kids = happy mama

And so, as I have recently become totally obsessed with Pinterest, this is what is (P)inspiring us all at the moment in the Pink House.

OK, a couple of asides: 

1) Yes I know that’s so January 2012, but I’m a bit slow on the uptake, OK?! 

2) For those of you who don’t know Pinterest from your elbow - where have you been living these past 9 months? Sorry, Pinterest is both a form of social media and a way of collecting and organising images onto online pinboards. Each pinned image is linked directly to the site it was taken from – so you are also collecting a bunch of great resources as well as pretty pictures.

Now, I am not, I might add, at all interested in creating cut out images of the 50 US states, carving a watermelon dragon or contouring my face like a celebrity

 

But if you are – then now you know where you can find them!!

No, I use Pinterest in two ways: as a resource gatherer for recipes and crafts - I have a great board of crafts for each season now.

And as an inspiration gatherer for my art and creativity. Check out my boards here on: cherry blossom, Street art, rainbow therapy for hungry souls, mandalas, red tents…

So I get all inspired collecting these pins. And then the kids like to whizz through them on my i-pad, in the hyper speed way that only kids can.  And when they find one they love, out goes the cry, “Let’s try this mummy”...

So far we have made a zebra cake, once with homemade cake batter – delicious but failed on the stripe-contrast front. And once with bought cake batter – grand taste, looked the business.

This is what it SHOULD look like 

And this was ours!

We have made summer punch for mama’s birthday. 

And next on our list to while away the long days of the summer holidays are...

some rather cool science experiments 

 

and zany looking citrus slices

And tiny tom ladybirds too!

And home made puffy paint 

A cute fairy garden

Perhaps a tee-pee

And guess which 7 year old lego mad boy is going to be getting this cake made for him in August?! 

Do follow along if you like what I collect. Happy Pinning! (As they say in Pin-land!!)

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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Garden Soup — Bailey finds a way to help momma Katy (from Muse of a Daffodil) in the garden.
• This One Time, I Tried To Make a Car — Ashley at Domestic Chaos tries once again to make something crafty from stuff around the house.
• Pin-tastic creative ideas — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud shares how Pinterest is inspiring creativity in her family this summer.
• Baby Hiccups In The Womb — Alinka at Baby Web shares one of the ways she bonds with her unborn baby.
• Turtle Mosaics — Lyndsay at ourfeminist{play}school and her little family spend a quiet hour making a turtle mosaic inspired by the work of Melanie Mikecz.
• Edible Art Plus 8 Art Supply Recipes — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares some natural, chemical-free art supply alternatives, which are gauranteed to be tons of fun for children of all ages. They taste great too!
• A surprise art lesson — Tat at Mum in search has been taking art lessons from her 5-year-old son.
• Memory Creation — Laura from Pug in the Kitchen talks about how her family aims to create as many memories as they can as a family.
• A Picture is Worth A Thousand Words — Melissa at Momma Beer tries to replace cars with crafts.
• My Creative Family: Sometimes Messy, Always Fun — Emily at S.A.H.M i AM embraces the messes that sometimes accompany creative play but admits you don't always have to get dirty to have fun.
• Fun Family Learning: Constellation Cave Tutorial — Abbie at Farmer's Daughter gives step-by-step instructions for building a fun new twist on a cardboard box playhouse.
• Cooking... Kind Of — ANonyMous at Radical Ramblings makes pizza with her daughter, hoping to inspire a love of cooking and encourage a bigger interest in food. As well as making mess and having lots of fun, of course!
• Crockpot Refried Beans — That Mama Gretchen's family loves to experiment with new recipes, and today she's sharing a kitchen success!
• Creating Memories — Andrea at Tales of Goodness reflects on how the best creations can emerge from just letting kids be kids.
• Making Beautiful Things ... And Sometimes Just Average-Looking Ones — Tamara at Tea for Three looks for ways to add more craft and creativity into every day family life.
• Making Fruit Leather Together — When Amy Willa at Me, Mothering, and Making it All Work took some time to involve her children in the process of finally trying a fruit leather recipe stored on her Pinterest food board, she got more than just a scrumptious homemade snack as a result!
• Making Glasses from Children's Art — Mandy at Living Peacefuly with Children used her children's artwork to make some very special glasses for her husband for Father's Day.
• Preparing Family Meals Together — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares how she started the tradition of creating meals together with her children, which makes family gatherings more fun.
• It's a trap! — Lauren at Hobo Mama shares the innovative snares her son and husband have set for her.
• How To Make The Most Of A Very Wet Summer — Luschka at Diary of a First Child shows us the first few weeks of the Summer Camp At Home project for keeping boredom at bay.
• Creating with... well, what do we have? — If necessity is the mother of invention, Momma Jorje thinks perhaps boredom is (or at least can be) the mother of creativity. In a pinch, she got creative with a household item to entertain herself and her toddler.
• Creating Joy! Felt Counting Fish and other Fun — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle started creating Felt Counting Fish and then fell down the rabbit hole of fun with a number of other games.
• I Am Going! (A Code Name: Mama Homemade Theater Production of Mo Willems' Elephant & Piggie book) — This might be the finest example of child and baby acting ever recorded. Enjoy this Mo Willems treasure via video from Dionna at Code Name: Mama.
• DIY Summer Sleep Sack for Baby Tutorial — Shannon at GrowingSlower made an organic summer sleep sack for baby, and you can too with her easy tutorial.
• Chalk It Up! — Amy at Anktangle recounts how an impulse buy has turned into a fun collaborative activity that she hopes will continue to foster creativity in the whole family.
• The Family Garden — Excited that her son has been a big help in the garden this year, Ana at Pandamoly shares how her garden grows and offers up some secrets on how a toddler can be a great assistant in the garden.
• Getting my craft on — In a guest post at Natural Parents Network, Jona at Life, Intertwined takes a trip down memory lane — and finds it in stitches.
• Easy DIY Sandpit for Toddler Play — Christine at African Babies Don't Cry shares her easy DIY toddler sandpit tutorial.
• Building Without Nails — Laura at Laura's Blog builds a swinging bar using just sticks and twine.
• Family Talent Show — Erika at Cinco de Mommy holds an after-dinner family talent show.
• Ar matey! Fun and Learning with Pirate Play. — Positive Parenting Connection is sharing lots of really fun Pirate-themed learning activities for the whole family.

(re) learning to draw

I have just started taking another art e course. This time with Suzi Blu. Love her haunting faces. And am wanting to improve my drawing skills, especially for faces.

This is what I've done today. Pleased enough though still feeling very rusty. Loving her technique. The second pic is of my son. The first is the start of the course project. Will be learning to do mixed media. Something I know has been hot for the past few years but I have never known where to start with.

A part of me is definitely moving on from my last batch of paintings so I can have more distance from them and whether they're any good at the forthcoming exhibition. Getting into a different style and medium is helping.

And I get to buy a few lovely new materials!

What are you stretching yourself with at the moment?

Lessons from the wise women of the web

You do not have to be good - just follow the hunger
 Heather Plett - who opens with the following quote from my favourite poet,  Mary Oliver -

You do not have to be good. 
You do not have to walk on your knees 
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. 
You only have to let the soft animal of your body 
love what it loves.

You are powerful beyond measure. Know that the feminine is rising in the world, in us all... 
The Happy Womb 

You are wise. You are strength.
The Spirit that Moves Me

Be powered by faith, courage, grace + self-kindness

Leonie Dawson.

Just let it go!
Birgit Kerr

Embracing the Magic of Moonlit Nights

Welcome to the July Mindful Mama Carnival: Mindfulness and Nature
This post was written for inclusion in the Mindful Mama Carnival hosted by Becoming Crunchy and TouchstoneZ. This month our participants have shared their experiences of mindfulness and the natural world. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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I remember the first time I really saw the stars. 

I was seven, visiting my cousins in America - and the summer sky seemed alive with a million twinkling dots, awe inspiring in their infinitude. The moon floated in glory and I felt so full of life. Amazed that I had never really seen the night sky. 

As a child the night was for being inside, for bedtime. I wasn't afraid of the dark, but nor was I shown its majesty.

And as an adult I seem to continue this pattern. As the darkness falls we retreat inside into our own cosy cocoons, forgetting the celestrial display of the skies above our heads. The nightly reminder of our position in the universe and the beauty of nature, of our precarious position on a tiny spinning globe of rock dancing amongst millions of others, of the pure chance or design, whichever your belief, of the very existence of life itself, let alone our own individual lives.  


And so I commit to two things this summer to bring the night into our lives. 
The first is to bring our children out and lie on our backs and look up at the stars. Just to be and to see.

And the second is to celebrate the full moon with other women every month. 

Since making the connection between the moon and my cycles when writing my book  Moon Time: A guide to celebrating your menstrual cycle,
I now find that I really feel the lack of the full moon in my life if I miss it one month. I find the full moon energising, illuminating even.

And I have, for a whole host of reasons, missed it now for a few months in a row. As a result my cycle shifted totally and my energy seemed to sink. 
  

A few months back a couple of friends and I met down on the beach on the full moon and did a gentle mindfulness ceremony - breathing in, feeling the sand beneath our feet, the wind in our hair, washing away the past month and visioning the new, blessing ourselves and each other (via a mama water fight!!) with an icy cold ocean blessing. The moon hid herself that night, but we all left the beach feeling connected to each other, ourselves and our place in the universe. Revitalised and invigorated from being together, from taking time for ourselves, in nature and with sisters.

So I am calling out to all mindful mamas far and near, to mark the full moon in whatever way speaks to you.

(You will notice that there are TWO full moons in August. This is a Blue Moon  -  the second full moon in a given month, this gives rise to the phrase "once in a blue moon" as it is very rare to have two full moons in a month!)

You might choose to:

• make and walk a labyrinth on the beach,
• light a bonfire and dance around it, 
• lie on the grass on your back, 
• sing together in harmony,
• go for a walk with your lover, 
• breathe mindfully by yourself, 
• pick flowers for yourself by moonlight,
• have a bubble bath by moonlight.

Do something that fills you with light.

I am making a commitment to myself, and all women in my local area to be out on our local beach, Shanagarry strand at moon rise for every full moon of the year from now on. Please do join me, spread the word - it would be so exciting for it to grow every month!

Resources:
Moon Time: a guide to celebrating your menstrual cycle - Lucy H Pearce
The Stargazers Handbook: an atlas of the night sky - Giles Sparrow
Earth Child - Games Stories, Activities, Experiments and Ideas about Living Lightly on Planet Earth - Kathryn Sheehad, and Mary Waidner
The Green Hour - Todd Christopher
http://www.moonphases.info

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Visit The Mindful Mama Homepage to find out how you can participate in the next Mindful Mama Carnival!
On Carnival day, please follow along on Twitter using the handy #MindMaCar hashtag. You can also subscribe to the Mindful Mama Twitter List and Mindful Mama Participant Feed.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Zen and the Art of Raising Chickens Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction has found a connection to nature in her very own backyard, thanks to her chickens.
• Healing Gemstones and Crystals for Children Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses which genstones and crystals are best used by children to support physical, emotional, and/or spiritual healing.
• A Gardener’s Meditation Andrea at Tales of Goodness shares how she finds peace and renewal through gardening.
• Weeding My Thoughts Amanda at Let’s Take the Metro discusses how nature keeps her in the moment and stops her endless stream of thoughts.
• Grounded in Nature Rani at OmSheSaid shares her walk in nature, and through expressive words, shares this journey to coming home.
• Embracing the Magic of Moonlit Nights Lucy at Dreaming Aloud shares ways to embrace the magic of moonlit nights with your children and as a woman.
• Meditation for a Mindful Mama Alinka at Baby Web guides you through her research on the science of meditation, its numerous benefits, and presents to you a life changing meditation exercise.
• The Wild Within Naturemummy at Motherhood: My Latest Adventure reflects on the soothing qualities of wild places.
• Nature’s Lessons in Mindfulness Tat at Mum in Search wants to bring the same mindfulness that comes so easily in nature to her relationships.
• On Manicured Nature: We Roam in Small Spaces Featherstory at The Aniweda Dream shares her gratitude for her limited natural settings and her plans to expand her children's experience with the natural world.
• Garden (Time Out) Meditation Do you ever need a time out for yourself? Amy at Anktangle finds that during a difficult parenting moment, taking pause to spend a few minutes outside is just the thing she needs to be able to experience renewed patience, focus, and energy.
• Nature Makes Me a Better Mother Terri at Child of the Nature Isle could not imagine parenting without Mother Nature.
• The Healing Power of Sunshine Karen at Playful Planet shares her experiences of reneweal in the natural world.
• Natural History Kenna at A Million Tiny Things gets out into nature, 200 years ago, and isn't sure she likes it there.
• Nurtured by Nature Darcel at The Mahogany Way shares with us how being in nature helps her feel centered and connected.
• Mindfulness and Nature Zoie at TouchstoneZ explores the connection between mindfulness and the natural world.
• A Sense of Awe and Wonder Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares the feeling she never fails to get from the natural world and how it guides her to the mindfulness she craves.

If it feels hard...

If it feels hard, then the chances are you're breaking new ground.

And not just for yourself.... Though that is accomplishment enough.

You are also breaking ground for your family, perhaps for your community, perhaps even more people unknown in a wider circle of influence than you dare to dream.

If it feels hard its because you are pushing against the impossible not only in your own head, but in the minds of all your ancestors who came before you and your teachers on earth too.

You are doing what the world at large cannot envisage, within the crucible of your own life.

This takes true courage, true conviction. You are a person of vision and great heart.

If it feels hard, smile in your belly and know that you are truly amazing.

And then keep on going!