After speaking to a couple of mother friends over the past few days who feel overwhelmed and despondent, I realise that I'm in danger of turning into one of those annoying mamas who wears hippy skirts, bakes cakes, makes endless craft with their kids and is always happy... oh wait a minute, I am that woman. Hurray! I have made it. For a while anyway!
But let me share a secret with you- I used to read posts by people like me and HATE them! Bloody earth mothers! How do they bake their own bread and write a blog and home school and be NICE all day?
Well they are not, I'm sure, and I'm not either. Only 2 months ago I was bawling my eyes out at women's group cos life was shit, I was shit and I HATED being a mother and wasn't doing ANYTHING, I was barely surviving, let alone baking bread.
So dear reader, you and I need a little agreement here, that just cos all is roses in my world today, just cos I had a home birth, just cos I am a mighty fine cake baker, doesn't mean all is perfect, nor does it mean everything in your life is not perfect in comparison. so don't begrudge me the roses. I share them to share a little happiness, not to make you feel shit in comparison if your day was less than rosy.
I read a post on this the other day (see Apron Stringz link below) and committed to writing an honest blow-by-blow account of my life. By 10am I was deeply depressed, stacking up all the little nuggets of tedious misery to share on my blog. So I didn't. And when I let go of that, I had a lovely day! And so I wrote about that instead!
So if you're needing a little reassurance that actually it's completely normal part of mamahood (in our screwed up western world) to be feeling frustrated, isolated and like you're not getting anything done, that actually breastfeeding sucks, you hate being pregnant and actually you didn't get the birth you were promised, please know you are not alone.
I have been there in my own ways - with 3 kids under 6 and babies who don't sleep, I have BEEN there - with sore boobs, and wishing I wasn't a mama, wishing long and hard, and shouting at my kids too much and feeling overwhelmed by simply being awake. Some bits I haven't been there on - I got the births I wanted pretty much, but by the skin of my teeth with the second and third...
Anyway if you need a bit of balm for the mothersoul, let me prescribe the following:
A truly wonderful post by CJ over at Apron Stringz: Love Letter to New Mamas
A few of my previous posts
A Love Letter for Mamas
The first couple of paragraphs of Beyond Housewives and Feminism
Reflection of a Mother
Discover a positive language of mothering to describe all the unspoken things you ARE doing
And award yourself a Mothering Badge of Honour
And Finding Your Inner Mama - a great book which will be reviewed in the summer issue of JUNO.
I love you just the way you are :-)
ReplyDeleteAnd you don't have to be just one kind of person, full stop.
Don't be afraid to be a kaleidoscope of things.
A beautiful patchwork quilt.
A rainbow consisting of many colours.
Mother earth is bountiful and loving and equally, lets face it, she can be a merciless bitch. With one hand she smiles on us and gives us bluebells and rainbows, and in the other hand she's dishing out Tsunamis and famine. She gives us blisses and ecstasies and grief and horror.
Being whole means feeling all things. Experiencing the extremes, the highs and lows. It's all part of being alive.
So don't apologise for those times when you feel really happy, or that you had an excellent cake making session or accomplished something that made you feel 15 feet tall. It's part of who you are. We blog readers love you exactly as you are. Shouty and stressed out is fine with us. Tripping the light fantastic is also good. Don't be afraid to express yourself, and don't feel bad about not sharing every last dark secret with us all either. Unless you really want to. And that is also fine!
If you haven't read Siddartha by Herman Hesse yet I will send you my copy. Its a yin and yang story about reaching nirvana and enlightenment... by embracing the crazyness of life in all its manifestations. Seriously, I will send it to you if you fancy :-)
xxx *MF* xxx
Great post, and please don't think I am having a go at you with this reply.
ReplyDeleteI have never wished I wasn't a mother, even if the lowest of lows, I was always glad to have my babies... sure, I have totally wished for peace, for sleep, for the day to be over, for my husband to come home, to have a break, for the end of the anxiety and pressure, and for the crying to stop (theirs and mine!). Sometimes I try to remember what it felt like before I had kids, but I can't, and it makes me realise, why would I ever want to go back, or have a time where there was no 'them'?
I know it isn't this way for everyone, of course, but I guess even in amongst all my hard times, the medicated times, the low times, I guess that is something I can be thankful for.
It is nice to read 'shiny' blogs, that provide inspiration, escapism, and gloss... but I like those with a balance of reality and the not-so-shiny times. I find it very supportive and a way to connect with the real person behind the blog. If bloggers out there are living shiny, glossy lives, good for them I say... I just know it's not me, so hope to do something positive by blogging about the negative stuff and trying to turn it around.
(Sorry for blabbing on so much!)
Hey MF, you are my number one cheer leader! Will you crawl inside my head, and any time you see those stinky self doubts, do your thing! Love you loads, even though we've never met, am very, very happy to have you in my life. You make it a brighter, more supported place. Thank you. And no I haven't read it... :)
ReplyDeleteAnd as for dark secrets, one of my closest friends over here, who is also in my womens' group, so knows A LOT about me, said "bloody hell Lucy, I learn a couple of new things a week that I never knew about you from reading your blog. That and everyone's seen my boobs now!
Dixiebelle- thanks for joining the discussion. Don't see how what you said can be seen as having a go - just different experiences. I have genuinely, multiple times wished not to be a mother, when pregnant with all 3, and occasionally since birth, tiny dark pockets, which I repent of hugely when I see my beautiful children here now and the goodness they bring to my life. It's not big or clever, but it is true.
Ahhh, you're welcome chuck. Just got back from gymnastics club having found that the kids were meant to be in a competition today! Woop woop for the bad mummy. Apparently we had a letter a few weeks ago....which my husband forgot to mention....which the boys haven't mentioned, so imagine my surprise! And we can't actually go because Pete is working today, and we've missed our chance as it started an hour ago and Mummies have to sit in. And only one of the said competing children was with me at the time. And I was sat in the carpark beforehand looking at the little payment envelopes with their names and the dates written on, by the nice gymnastics people, wondering if it is Saturday the 19th today or the 26th? How crap is that!!! Which envelope should I put the money in? Ahhhhh, I need a break.
ReplyDeleteAnd thankfully I only have to wait till Monday....
You keep me sane too honey. But I must stop looking at your blog and go and do some mothering now. All four children are happily being parented by Wizard 101 right now, but its time I was 'back in the room'.
Big hug. Have a happy day.
*motherfunker* aka MF aka Paula Cleary :-)
P.S. I have sent multiple links to your blog to lots of mummy friends.