I don't want to go to bed.
Because going to bed means putting myself away. Giving myself up. Giving up.
Sure as night follows day another morning rolls in. Of fighting and whinging and sandwich making, dishwasher stacking, breastfeeding, uniform finding. And really I haven't the heart. Really I wish they would all go away and let me write. And bring me meals. And let me be. In peace.
I am tired. Tired of being nice. Of making peace. Of worrying that I am being good enough. Of being told I'm not.
It is one minute off midnight. I should be in bed. I will be tired for another endless day. Which only makes it worse. But I cannot bring myself to go.
I want to stay here forever. Nobody wants me. Nobody needs me. I am just me in body and mind. I am free to think, to write, to move. And the silence is so thick that the fish tank sounds as loud as a waterfall. And I am me. Not somebody else's help-meet. Just me.
Here I am not failing at discipline, worrying about how to get a child to eat or shit, making more food which will be rejected, concerned as to whether my behaviour will scar them for life or make my husband leave, wondering how much more TV is acceptable to have on, having to answer the same question for the 50th time, feigning interest in Lego models or sympathy for a puny scratch, or worrying about someone seeing the state of the house. My day is filled with these things and they bore me with their monotony. When where I really want to be is here. Just me and my thoughts and a computer.
I spend my days hungry for this time. I feel guilty that I take it, perched in front of my screen, knowing I should be nice to my husband, talk to him, show an interest. But I just want to be me... just for a moment to feel myself more fully, to have a thought that isn't interrupted, to do something that is of value, to matter.
Oh the motherload is very hard sometimes.Endless, endless, endless...
I don't want to go to bed.
***
A friend shared this pertinent song...No Charge...it is so true, and made me cry...
Ah, yes.
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Without wanting to sound like a mum talking to a child but you do sound tired. Hope today goes well. (hug0
ReplyDeleteWe all need a mama sometimes, thank you Joanna! and Rachael. Challenging times here.
ReplyDeleteOh i know that feeling soooooo well - feeling like that a lot at the moment and then of course feeling guilty for it as you said Lucy, but just needing time to be alone with my own projects, body, thoughts and not have to give them away to all the others who need them - and then feeling guilty because I love them all so much. Balance. Hope you having a good day - will see you during week xxx
ReplyDeleteSee you later in the week x
ReplyDeleteCompletely get you - could have written this myself depending on the day you catch me!
ReplyDeleteHope tomorrow brings sunshine.
Ah Lucy. I, as many, are so with you on this, but staying up late, we know means the days are harder and longer. But what I was so delighted to read in this post was your feelings towards parenting and worries of failing. So often your posts, as do Laura's, inspire me to be a better mum and do more with the kids. But I have to admit, sometimes they make me feel totally inadequate. It is so nice to have someone put it out there that this parenting lark is hard and draining and demanding!! Thank you for making me smile with adequacy!!! (sorry about any spelling mistakes.... the kids are demanding dinner!!)
ReplyDeleteOh yes, guilty of this one too! Though right now for me it's more a case of I'd rather go to bed than have my dinner/talk to my husband/have any me-time whatsoever, as my nights are so broken and mornings so early. Ugh!
ReplyDeleteBut then I realise my first born is already almost 2 and newborn coming up to 7 months... it's so short and so precious. I just wish it was a *little* easier on the self!
x
You have articulated exactly what I feel a lot of the time. The neeeeeeed to just have some kind of head space after the guys are tucked up. And all the same things that I worry about too!!! And the sense of futility of certain jobs done that got undone, endless tidying and cleaning up which gets messy again straight away, the stains and sticky fingers everywhere, the uneaten food.... Yes, I know all that!!! And like you, I get really grumpy the next day if I go to bed too early and haven't had that time to recallibrate. I can't cope with being that one dimensional. Zoe is right though....they soon grow up, and you'll be waiting for them to call you and interrupt all that me-time you'll have when they've outgrown you and your man and are off not needing you and may even live halfway round the other side of the world. Everything you do for them really does make a difference though, even when it feels like what you're doing goes un-noticed or isn't appreciated. One day they will be grateful - probably when they have their own offspring, and then their children will also fail the grasp the enormity of their parents job, and so on and so on. It's probably the way it has been for millenia!
ReplyDeleteI SO recognize myself in this! And so far I only have one child! Another one coming in july =). The challenges we meet as mothers! You should know that your blog is an inspiration for me to be a better mum, and to try and hold on to my creative spark as well. I hope you wake up to a day of more light tomorow!
ReplyDeleteOh my, I am so touched, thank you Symbolic skin.
ReplyDeletedid you just step into my brain? lol
ReplyDeletei have made peace with sleep though. i feel the above, daily i suppose, but have come to recognise that giving up sleep is not ok, for body, mind, spirit, and for tomorrow's functions. :)
Mon, will you please come and take up residence in my head, and so I have your voice of wisdom there at all times? Many thanks.
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