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Gold for Kevin Pearce

As the anniversary of his accident comes around, my cousin Kevin is much on my mind. What a journey he has been on. As have we all who held our breaths and prayed and waited for news. Day after day, last January.

Few of us get to be heroes at the tender age of 22.

My cousin Kevin is one.

Dear Kevin, I dedicate 2010 to you!

We all knew 2010 was going to be a big year for you...

This was to be the year that you unleashed your talent on the world. This the year all your training had led up to. Every day, all though your teenage years you dedicated yourself to physical fitness, courage, strength, dexterity and determination: you were training for the biggest achievement of your life.

Our Christmas by Numbers

Family members in house: 6
Family members with vomiting bug: 6
Family members with swine flu: 6
Number of pukes between us: 24
Number of plane tickets re-booked: 1
Nights with more than 3 hours straight sleep: 0
Number of tantrums on Christmas Day: 0
Number of Christmas trees procured: 0
Pairs of socks received on Christmas Day: 2 (they were requested!)
Weeks of snow and ice: 4
Number of pounds in weight I have lost: 4 (that's a first for Xmas time!)
Number of hours the TV has been on in this house today: 11, and counting!
Number of turkey and stuffing sandwiches eaten: 3

Blessings counted: many...we have a warm house, access to medicine, only minor bugs in the scheme of things and loved ones to comfort us, we have no plans to cancel and no work or school to be missing.

Roll on the Christmas holidays!

You are not a victim

A message for those in turmoil or mental crisis

Greetings.

You have been blessed with a journey few are deemed wise enough to take.

A journey to the dark side of the mind.

Treat your opportunity as such...

THIS is the moment you life has been leading to,

Where you see the reality behind all that you have learnt in theory.

This is the dark side of the mind,

The smelting room,

This is the crucible of creativity.

Map it,

Study its terrain,

Mine it in the dark, for it has veins of pure gold.

And bring them back.

Bodies of light

A dream

I am wondering how to make amends. 

Not even for my actions, but thoughts.

Thoughts I had considered inconsequential at the time,

But they are silent rocks to my soul it seems.

Before me
I see

People walking away,

Their bodies unravelling 

Like the bandages from an Egyptian mummy.

And out

From these bindings

Emerge the most beautiful bodies of light.

Solid light.

They had been invisible under their bodies.

These light bodies float up, up,

Helium balloons of pure light,
Sky lanterns of souls.

And I am left,

Heavy with my impurities,

Rooted to the Earth.

But knowing,

Knowing.

"And a Merry bloomin' Christmas to you too!"

So says Raymond Brigg's Father Christmas. I, as I may have already mentioned LOVE Christmas, no humbugs here! And the hero of the day (minus, OF COURSE, the dear baby Jesus) is the man in red... or so I always thought. How wrong I was. I have read a number of natural parenting bloggers bemoaning Satan, (sorry, slip of the keyboard!), Santa, of late. Bla, bla indoctrination with commercialism, lying to children, yada yada.

Stop the lights people! I have yet to meet a child traumatised by finding out Santa doesn't exist. Santa is about fun, magic, mystery... no? I'm not saying you have to pay over-inflated prices to go and sit on some dodgy old man's knee in a shopping centre and receive some trashy toy. I'm not saying threaten your children all year about being good. I'm not even saying to over-indulge your children with enormous gifts. I'm just saying that perhaps helping to cultivate magic and mystery in your child's life is not such a bad thing. If you object to the lying thing, then, go the whole hog, throw out fairies, elves, gnomes, angels, dragons, unicorns, because they don't exist either. Just in case one day your poor child will discover that they aren't true, and that you, evil parent, were just lying to them every time you read them a bedtime story.

Reflection of a mother

I see a mother in a big cosy bed, her little ones clambering over her like puppies, all tousle-haired from sleep. What a pretty picture of family life.

I see the mother. But I do not see her as she is. I see the teenager with forty pounds and a double chin added. Oh how she hates that double chin, it is all she sees in every picture of mothering bliss, the sharp jaw line of youth lost to cake and age. And a grey streak in the hair, oh how she struggles with the social meaning of that streak, not the soul meaning, it is moonlight, silver star shine, a blessing brought early by age and wisdom, why does everyone else hide theirs and pretend they are still 21? What was so great about 21 anyway? The uncertainty, the anticipation, the insecurity of youth, embarking on a journey, unbridled and unclear as to her destination or even who is sailing the ship of her body and soul.

On coming out...

...as a writer!

Writing a blog is a little like coming out. Suddenly everyone knows your business. They know what you get up to in the evenings. You walk past people and don't know yet if they "know".

Writing a blog like this feels like running down the street with no clothes on. Like the recurring nightmare I have of turning up to school still in my pajamas.

THE SOUND OF SILENCE

I always thought that I was drawn to Buddhism and Quakerism because they were non-dogmatic routes to personal enlightenment. They speak to my own journey, by elucidating and honouring the individual's inner path.

This morning I suddenly realised why else they draw me - they both offer silence as both ministry and communion. Silence for me is a balm and a discipline. It does not come easily. I have a chattering mind and mouth, but silence is where I am happiest. And with three young children it is a commodity as rare as gold in my life.

I remember when I did a ten day silent meditation retreat in Japan, everyone who knew me thought I would struggle with not being able to talk for ten days. The opposite was true, I ran to the toilet and sobbed my heart out when the silence came to an end and I had to speak again.

Silent space practices

Meditation per se is not something I have space for in my life right now. And I feel the lack of it. And so I take opportunities throughout the day to try to reconnect to silence and mindfulness, that I want to share with you.

PEACE BE WITH YOU

Peace be with you...

And also with you.

I always loved those words from the church services of my youth. The handshake and the wishing of peace to be with another person. This small act always awakened the desire for peace within myself. The still small voice came alive. That space within me that so easily gets shut down, drowned out by the noise, stress and chatter of daily life and the machinations and posturing of my well developed ego.

Craft-Tea Christmas Celebrations

Welcome to the December Carnival of Natural Parenting: Let's Talk Traditions
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama.

Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
***

We love Christmas in our house. And for me it has to be a home-made Christmas. 

The excitement is two-fold: the craft element of making and decorating, and then the food aspect of stocking up and then feasting on special seasonal treats. I start to get excited about Christmas in September, so by the beginning of December I feel entitled to go all out in celebration. After all I have been waiting so long for it!

Cooking with love

Buddhists say that the way we do things, influences the results. If we cook with love, we transmit that love into the food, and into those who eat the food. If we cook in mindful awareness, then we can quietly observe with our senses rather than forgetting the cookies in the oven, or adding too much salt because we are distracted. When we are there in the moment, we can be responsive and creative. We are aware, we can consciously season our food with love.

The proof of the pudding, as they say, is in the eating. Or in yesterday's case, not pudding but hummous. I was cross yesterday: tired, over stretched and trying to do too much with too few mama resources. And so it was with huge anger and resentment I made my little boy some hummous. My temper was sour, so I added too much lemon. Then I tried a quick fix by chucking in a pinch of sugar. What I should have done was to calmly detach myself from the situation, taken a few breaths and come back to preparing food with love, rather than banging and slamming and making inedible food. My little girl took one mouthful and spat it out in disgust!

Christmas is coming...and mama's getting panicked!

Life has been fraught in the Pink House - sick children, non sleeping baby (see Adventures without Sleep, written about Number 1 child five years ago, and just slot in Number 3's name in its place!) And having got hyper excited about Christmas back in September, and decorated the house on 1st December, to occupy sick kiddies, we are now less than 2 weeks to Christmas, only 6 days till my mum arrives. I need to get motoring. I have lists to write, and lots of them - shopping lists, cooking lists, Christmas card lists, lists of lists.

Reading Delia's Smith's Christmas book in bed this morning, post-it note bookmarks to hand, she gently says "to avoid panicking, you should get planning and write lists in mid-October." OCTOBER! It's now mid December. I have no lists. I am panicking. So no more blogging for this mama, (boo hoo) instead I will be writing lists. And bleeping Christmas cards, addressing them (by memory as I've lost my address book, grrr!) Though I do have EVERYONE'S pressies bought. Hurray!

Material memory - Women and Quilting

For me the passage into womanhood was marked by a summer I chose to take off, between University and beyond, to teach myself to bake bread and make a quilt.

I love quilts: the patterns, the details of the fabrics, the interplay of light and dark, the art, the maths and the craft of them. 

Wonderful Women's Work

As promised, a round up of women I would like to salute for doing their thing with vision, courage and creativity...

First off... a very special event to celebrate 100 years of International Women's Day 2011, linking women's circles around the globe. Visit  http://www.flarewales.com/  to find out more and join in.

RAISING OUR VOICES

Part 3 of the Call yourself a Feminist? series

Feminists, suffragettes and many protest groups before and since have recognised that if you want to be heard, you must raise your voice.

But raising our voices with uncontrolled anger or sadness, to whinge or to nag is alienating, irritating and ineffective - be it directed to our friends, children, spouses or governments. First we must honour the NEED to communicate, rather than swallow our voices. Secondly we must learn to express ourselves effectively, in a way that our message can be heard by those listening. Otherwise both speaker and message can be easily dismissed.

The gift of great movers on a global stage, with a powerful message is integrity and control and insistence, passionate insistence, and self knowledge and reflection: think the Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela, Aung San Suu Kyi, Gandhi...

ANGRY!

A response to the Budget announcement 

  'The biggest sting in today's budget will be felt by women with children', said Labour Party Finance Spokesperson Joan Burton. She said of the €2.1bn in cuts, €1.6bn would be borne by the areas of health, children and social protection. She said working people would do the heavy lifting in this Budget.

What did we do? We who were students during the Celtic Tiger? We who will not be able to afford to save for a pension, nor send our own children to university.

What did our children do that their school should get less money? When their parents are already filling the funding shortfall.
What did our family do to deserve to pay at least an extra €2000 in tax next year? On top of the extra taxes already levied on us over the past two years.
What did the poorest do to lose 15% of wage, every hour?
What did the sick do?
What did the carers do to lose 5% of their meagre income?

Call yourself a feminist? (2)...Well, no!

Despite being grateful to feminists, and having read many of their key works, I do not consider myself a feminist (despite yesterday's evidence) because....
I find them loud and shouty and deliberately reactionary
I find that they alienate a lot of women and most men who aren't as radical as them
I feel that they have no answer, no response to the issue of motherhood, except avoid it, or ignore their children. BUT this does not throw me in with the Catholic New Feminists either...

But before you get too cross with me, I don't call myself a suffragette either, and nor do you! And I am deeply grateful to both sets of women. Deeply. But times move on. Needs change. Issues change. Ways of communicating change...

Call yourself a feminist?

Well, let me examine the evidence:
I do not believe that women are or should be subservient, the weaker sex or any other gross generalisation of "the fairer sex".

Life lessons from an elder

Leonora - I shall call her that, as she is not one for being in the spotlight - is a constant wonder and inspiration. She is a woman of quiet creativity with a simple but beautiful home, a humble spirit, a childlike enthusiasm for the world. Though she is now in her mid eighties - she taught my father when he was in kindergarten (he is now in his late 60s!) - she is not old in any way. She digs her own garden, cares for her home, grows the best sweetcorn I have eaten, cooks wonderful dinner parties, the list goes on...

Visiting her immerses me in a different set of values. There is a different rhythm to her life and days which I drink like water and wish I could bottle. For sure it is partly from the fact that she is an old woman and I am young, partly that she lives alone and I have a house full of tumbling children. But she is like the spirit of an age which is almost gone. Her generation and their gifts are in very short supply, never to come again. This makes me feel sad. Our generation seem more flimsy, superficial, wasteful.

BOOK REVIEW: FLEEING VESUVIUS

Fleeing Vesuvius: 

Overcoming the risks of economic and environmental collapse

Fleeing Vesuvius, published in Ireland by FEASTA*  is a book of its time, written by some of our brightest minds, for our people. Its stated aim “to arm its readers with the knowledge they need to develop new ways of doing things, instead of staggering from crisis to crisis” trying to patch up systems that are no longer viable. This, then, is a book of the moment, for the moment. It may hold many explanations for why we are where we are and what we might do about it.

Be Prepared (Part 3): Instead of Money

Money, money, money
Always sunny
In a rich man's world

A little Abba to brighten your day!

Our global culture has moved from one in which indebtedness was considered a sin or a crime, to the past decade, where indebtedness became the norm. But now the chickens have come home to roost.

We are all plugged into the external economy and its impact can be damaging emotionally and financially for families. How can we make our families more resilient, so we can ride the economic turbulence with minimal suffering?

Be Prepared (2): Skills for Resilient Families

It is my belief that the most important investment you can make for yourself, your family, your community is in yourself. Learning new skills and then sharing them with others, either through your work, or by teaching them to others. This, regardless of what sort of state the world is in, is where the richness of life comes from.

Be Prepared (Part 1): Building Family Resilience

As parents we know that we need to be prepared for many events. We carry nappies, a snack and a change of clothes for our kids when we go out. We take our driving license and a spare tyre when we drive. Us women need to have sanitary items (and a few other essentials: chocolate, lipstick, a pack of tissues, last year's petrol receipts...) stashed in our bags, just in case. So that if and when something comes up we can deal with the situation and carry on with our day, rather than have to cancel our plans and have a cold, wet, hungry crying child for good measure.

Multiple choice madness... a sane response to crazy times

We are living in crazy times. The Irish people want answers. No one in Government seems willing or able to provide them. So, here is your multiple choice way of dealing with the economic crisis. It's about as scientific and reliable as anything else going around at the moment ...

A Mothering Badge of Honour (for a Day Well Done)

We live in a culture where what is valued is rewarded with money, medals, certificates, public acclaim. But for those of us that parent at home, all those badges are notably absent.

THE NON-DOMESTIC GODDESS SHINES HER SINK

Hands up who likes housework?

I am certainly not one, as any one who knows me can attest to. I may have acquired the title of domestic goddess for my baking skills, but not my housekeeping ones. If there were a competition for the messiest house in East Cork I would be a strong competitor. In fact I could represent the county in the All Ireland's. I despair at the mess in my life and am currently on a serious, sorry...fun... OK serious/ fun creation of order in my home life, so that our beautiful new home, The Pink House, is not a pit. So that at any moment, a friend/ delivery man/ plumber/ neighbour's child/ Buddha can call in and I am not mortified by our unholy mess.

This is our moment

This is our moment

This is our perfect moment

The moment which I have read about for years, foretold by New Agers, counter-culturalists and eco-mentalists alike. Is here. Now.  There is a thrill of excitement, a shudder of dread at what might lie ahead, and a sense of discombobulation. 

This is the moment which the rulers of our economic model denied could ever happen. But now the parade is being pissed on from a height. This is the point where the shit hits the fan. The tipping point. Decision time. We have metaphors a plenty, and big, over arching dreams of social justice, a better world, a fairer, more sustainable society.

But what do we do? 

Here, today, on the ground....what do we do? And how do we do it ? Not in our heads, but in actions, right here, right now?And on a national scale. How do we harness the moment, the feeling of the need for change? 

How do we find agreement between 4 million disparate people about the best way forward, when all are convinced that the system is screwed? That voting won't help?

Fintan O Toole in Wednesday's Irish Times had wise words: "Before an election, a civic movement has to create a critical mass around the idea of radical political reform." 

But how can a civic movement 1) form itself in such a short time 2) position itself to rightfully take power? 

This truly is our moment.  This is history in the making. A moment we will tell our children about. Can we rise to it? Can we find a common way forward? What part can I play?

VOTES FOR WOMEN

88 years ago all Irish women won the right to vote.

What does a vote mean to you?

Women make up 50 % of the population...

In our last election an equal number of men and women voted...

And yet...

We currently have 22 women TDs in 166 seats, 13 women in the senate out of 60...

How might things have been different if we'd had a female Minister for Finance during the past decade? A female Taoiseach (Prime Minister)? How might things be different?

The time has come for positive change, a re-balancing of power. Now is our opportunity.

This is not a battle of the sexes. Nor a call to arms. The time is ripe to build a new political culture. A sustainable economy. A culture based on community, not business values.

Ireland has a strong modern history of voting in powerful, considered, intelligent, respectful Presidents: we have had 20 solid years of a female premiere. In the last Presidential election 4 of the 5 candidates were female. We recognise the skills which they offer, we allow them to represent us with grace, diplomacy and intelligence on the international stage. So why not in national politics? Now is the time, our opportunity to say, enough of the "boyos". Let us beckon in a new political culture, one which nurtures, rather than destroys our culture.

Of course women alone do not hold the answer. But nor do men. And yet for centuries men have been in sole charge of nation building. During the twentieth century, women began to enter politics. Now it is time for women to raise their voices, not a little but to their full force, to full equality. To speak up for the values they want to see their public representatives embody. To give voice to what have normally been considered "female" values, which many men hold too: nurturing, respect, supporting, prioritising health, family and caring.

This is not a time for finger pointing, BUT, count the number of female bankers, lawyers, property developers, TDs who profited from the shady shenanigans of the past decade. They are very few and far between. We may not be responsible for the mess, but we have many skills to help clear it up and help to transform not only policies but the way politics are done.

What we need is to use our democratic power to the full. Now could be a time of deep unrest. One trade union has already threatened civil unrest. We saw the men crashing through the Gardai outside Leinster House yesterday. The last thing we need now is chest beating and violence. What we need is co-operation, collaboration, inspiration, making peace, building communities, not war mongering and  ego boosting. What we need is a Great Conversation. One which includes us all.

No more party politics. No more braying in the House of Representatives. No more back-handers. We need the committed work of all elected to turn our country, not only around, but inside out. Into a functioning, caring, democratic society, one which celebrates, supports and builds on, rather than exploits or destroys, the wonder of its people; our beautiful, bounteous island home; our stunning, diverse natural habitat; our fertile fields; our creative culture; our long and deep spiritual heritage; our strong families and communities; our young and booming population.

Votes for Women will encourage women to vote.
It will campaign for a positive election.
It will encourage people to vote for women candidates.
It will bring the above issues to regular attention through press releases to the nation media.

All in favour say "aye".

The waves and the shore

I am the shore, the stony shore,
Rocky, hardened by time.
Impenetrable.
You, my children, the waves
The ever-crashing, bashing, smashing waves.

The infinite ocean of your possibilities leads as far as the eye can see
Sometimes grey and stormy,
Sometimes calm and blue
Ever changing, ever changing.

Sometimes throwing up seaweed, slimy green and brown
Decorating the mothershore in stinky stickiness.
You wear down my edges, weathering my sharp corners,
Rounding me into something more beautiful and enduring.

Sometimes the storm winds sing so loud I cannot hear my own thoughts,
You pound so insistently I cannot feel my own body
I am storm tossed, wind blown, wave washed, all at sea.

But the tide turns, the waves retreat to play on other shores,
I am still here, and all I can hear is the echo of your roar
Haunting my ears, filling the spaces between my thoughts.

Broken into smaller pebbles, here I lie.
And wait for you,
The tide will turn and back you come to the mothersoul
Seashell souls held close to my stony breast.

Mothers meeting - women's sacred circles

Welcome to the circle. Come in with your chatter, take off your coat. Find a place, slip off your shoes, wriggle your toes and tuck them under you. The candle on the centre table is lit. Its golden light softens the tired faces grouped around it. The brass singing bowl is sounded, its rich resonance dissipating into silence, leading us into the realm of stillness. We join hands and breathe together. In and out. This invisible trace leads us into ourselves. Conscious breath fills the room, sanctifying this simple lounge. Our separateness diminishes as a new energy enters the room tangibly changing the atmosphere: it is richer, heavier, more sombre. We settle deeper into stillness.

This is where we meet, on the first Sunday of every month. Although many of us meet at playgroup or for tea during the month, this is different. This is our space. Our sacred space in which we find ourselves once more. We start, like always, by speaking to the very simple question: “how are you really now?” In the stillness a small voice, which has been swamped by the busyness of daily mothering begins to emerge, haltingly, but with strength. How am I? How wonderful to be asked. Terrifying but wonderful. Can I speak to it, bring myself to this question with honesty? This is not a place for being “fine”. No one here is interested in “fine”. Here I can be confused, elated, barely scraping through. Here it is OK to inhabit a place of paradox or of not knowing. I start to speak, uncertain of where my words are headed. I surrender myself to them. Then, as I grab the thread more clearly I open my eyes and sweep them slowly around the room. Women who have become dear friends sit, their eyes focused and loving on me, as I unfold my soul before them. Not for approval, just to be witnessed, this tapestry of my life. The floor is mine, I cannot be interrupted. And it is such a wonderful feeling. Not to stop mid-sentence again and again to answer a child’s question or grab a cup of juice from being spilt or pre-empt a sibling slap. Just space to be me. Wonderful.

And though mothering takes up so much of me, teaches me so much, satisfies me, there is also so much of me that is nothing to do with my kids, which has no expression in play dough or picture books or cooking dinner. The part of me from pre-kids, which inhabits dreams and books and philosophy. The part of me which even my husband does not really know and which I only get glimpses of. This gets a chance to creep out from under the stone of daily life and emerge blinking into the sunlight of awareness, to be witnessed by this circle of women. And then when another stands to speak I get to practice what I am so weak at in daily life, yet need for my parenting: deep, non-judgemental, open-hearted listening. This is where I learn skills which I take back home to my family.

Women’s circles are as old as women themselves. At many times in history they have been outlawed, suspicious. At times they have held the names of quilting bees or sewing groups. We are not a great group of stitchers. Instead each month a different leader chooses a topic which stimulates our minds and titillates us: Creativity, Home, Books, Community, Spirituality… But this is not a discussion group either, though the final discussions can be juicy. Instead we speak from our deepest selves in the spirit of council sharing, a custom borrowed from Native American elders, and familiar to me from Quaker meetings. Waiting for the spirit to move us, then allowing it to meander us through the topic. As we hear our voices speaking we discover what we truly feel and believe. Often it surprises the speaker herself. The listeners’ heads nod in agreement, eyes well with tears of compassion. We sit in a circle and, as women, often we talk in circles. Women’s circles seem to be coming back, spreading like ripples through communities, sustaining the women who belong to them, their goodness spilling out into the families beyond.

We drift out into the hallway, asking after our children’s playmates, organising to meet up for coffee and playtime. We swap forgotten socks and disappear off into the night in time to fix supper for the family, or maybe, just perhaps, a little too late and so to be fed! I float into the house, transformed from the empty husk of a woman who left just a few hours before. I scoop up my children, delighting in their faces. “Mummy’s back” I announce, and I am. I really am.

The women’s group that I started in East Cork began in February 2008 and meets once a month, with a different leader, venue and topic each time.


This was the first of my Dreaming aloud columns, published in JUNO magazine, Spring 2009. An adapted version is also in the 2011 Earth Pathways Diary)

Metta meditation of loving kindness

Thank you for the support and interest in our circle of Deep Compassion. I know of two other circles and many individuals who will be joining us. I have already started receiving cards which I am compiling to give to the mother in mourning. (Please see my previous post for more information)

Yesterday I baked a rosemary remembrance cake with love, which we will eat after the circle. Rosemary has a history of being used for funerals, and to clear the mind. (For the recipe see Nigella Lawson's Feast)

We will be practicing a Metta meditation at the women's circle.  This is a Buddhist way of developing loving kindness and deep compassion. First we start with ourselves, which is often deeply challenging, before opening it out to those we love, those we do not know, those for whom we have challenging feelings, and then all beings.

I first practised this in Japan, in the mountains near Kyoto, on a ten day, silent Vipassana meditation retreat. We also did it at our wedding ceremony. It is a very powerful, yet simple meditation, to be recited aloud or in your head. I found this version which was composed after another tragic incident, and thought it appropriate.

A Metta Meditation
For the tragedy in NYC, DC & PA of September 11, 2001

May I be well, safe and peaceful.
May I be free from the suffering of fear, anger and ill will.
May I find forgiveness for the inevitable harms we bring to one another.
May I cultivate lovingkindness, compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity.
May I live in peace and harmony with all beings.


May our families and friends be well, safe and peaceful.
May they be free from the suffering of fear, anger and ill will.
May they find forgiveness for the inevitable harms we bring to one another.
May they cultivate lovingkindness, compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity.
May they live in peace and harmony with all beings.


May all other persons in our lives be well, safe and peaceful.
May they be free from the suffering of fear, anger and ill will.
May they find forgiveness for the inevitable harms we bring to one another.
May they cultivate lovingkindness, compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity.
May they live in peace and harmony with all beings.


May all the victims of this tragedy and their families be well, safe and peaceful.
May they be free from the suffering of fear, anger and ill will.
May they find forgiveness for the inevitable harms we bring to one another.
May they cultivate lovingkindness, compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity.
May they live in peace and harmony with all beings.


May those responsible for this tragedy and their families be well, safe and peaceful.
May they be free from the suffering of fear, anger and ill will.
May they find forgiveness for the inevitable harms we bring to one another.
May they cultivate lovingkindness, compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity.
May they live in peace and harmony with all beings.
.

May all beings be well, safe and peaceful.
May they be free from the suffering of fear, anger and ill will.
May they find forgiveness for the inevitable harms we bring to one another.
May they cultivate lovingkindness, compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity.
May they live in peace and harmony with all beings.

A Women's Circle of Deep Compassion

What can I do?

That was my first question. A good friend approached me almost immediately she heard the news - you're tapped into a large mother's network in the area, what can we do?

I felt blank. Empty. In complete shock. Helpless in the face of a tragedy so large, so local, so raw. We all did.

Yesterday my blog page had 240 visitors. Writing it was scary - would people find it tasteless, me writing about such a raw subject? But it seemed to touch a chord with many. And it moved me on in my own process of grief.

I have been asking local mums who are church goers "what are the arrangements". I attend church things in support of the local community here, at sad times, but I am not a church attendee.

But I do lead womens circles. And it is women who are needing to share their feelings of sadness, shock, and deep compassion. Both women in the local community, and those who live further afield but have connections to the area, either geographical, familial or simply soul connections.

So a plan has developed (thanks to a night of not much sleep due to a hot, cross, teething baby).

Tomorrow morning will be a Women's Time of Deep Compassion. 

At 11 am, tomorrow, Friday 19th November, I would like to invite you to add your focused awareness, love and compassion. Take a moment to remember Una, her beautiful daughters, her family and friends, and her husband, and his family and friends. Widening your circle of love and deep compassion for them all.

Please attend my house if you can and would like to (RSVP please). Or gather a circle of women together at your own. Or take a moment whilst sitting with friends having a coffee.  Or at your Jamie Oliver Party (I don't want to steal your attendees Bree!) or just by yourself. Spread the word to as many other women friends as you think would be interested.

1) Light a candle if you can
2) Take a moment to breathe deeply and mindfully
3) Sit in awareness/ prayer/meditation for a few minutes
4) Perhaps take time to make the gifts (see below) together, or share those you have made already and brought
5) On extinguishing the candles, each person sends a wish/ hope/prayer for Una, if possible speaking it aloud.
6) It is always nice to open and close a women's circle by holding hands and closing eyes, perhaps singing together, but only if you feel comfortable doing this!


And a gift...

A friend at her motherblessing was given a beautiful handmade book, where each of us contributed a page. I would like to do a variation partly on this, and partly on a conventional communally signed card. A pack of mother-blessed, "angel"/ "inspiration" cards for her to keep with her journal, or on her mantle piece, or handbag.

If each person who wishes could make a "postcard": 6" x 4" (standard photo size), just single (not a folded card). On one side might be a photograph, drawing, collage, piece of mounted sewing, a quotation, message, symbol, a word, a prayer, a poem - a gift of hope/love/peace from your heart to hers. Something to light her darkness and add a new, brighter thought or image into her days.

On the other side please put your name at least, and perhaps your contact details or where you live, so that if ever she feels herself alone in this world she can phone, text, call in, drive past your house, look at a map and know that someone out there cares and that she is not alone.

Please mail me these cards (to arrive for the end of next week - email me for address), or scan them in and email them and I will print them off and put them onto card.

I will compile the cards in a beautiful folder/ envelope and get them to her next week.

So 11 am PROMPT tomorrow, Friday 19th November. Start arriving from 10.45, we will be finished by 11.30. I am not intending for it to last more than half an hour, as I know people will have to disappear to collect children and do nap time.

Please do bring any prayers/ poems/ reflections etc that you might want to share at this time.

And do bring cake etc if wanted. We will of course have tea and cake afterwards for those who do not need to race off.

I look forward to welcoming as many of you as possible to the Pink House tomorrow - please do RSVP by text/email.

Practical note:  I am planning it for a Friday as then a lot of mothers have children in school or playschool. I feel it is appropriate for babies to be there. Toddlers too (if they can have a favourite toy/ book/ food to keep them quiet for a little that would be great.) I would be concerned about older children asking questions that mothers may be wanting to avoid, but they are welcome to play upstairs.

The grieving mother soul

For Una, and all who grieve,

I send you a prayer with every breath. I cannot begin to comprehend your pain, the scale of your loss.

The storm winds of the mother soul howled around this house last night, and every other house in the area, the tears of God raining down upon us as we battened down our hatches and sent continual prayers that you are finding peace and comfort somehow. We are counting and recounting our own blessings with every prayer. Wishing we could transfer them to you.

Words cannot begin to express the sense of deep, deep sadness that every mother and father in our community feels at this moment. We hold our own, dear children closely to us, as though we can immunize them and ourselves from suffering and pain through our tiny, repeated act of love, wishing, wishing that this would bring your children back to you.

We wake to a blue sky, the rays of sunshine promising hope. But the mood is dark and sombre. The usual school gate chatter is gone. Even the playground is eerily quiet. We are united in your pain: we are all one.

We want to talk but talking changes nothing. Nor does the news. It is like scratching an itch, it momentarily makes things feel better, and then worse. The facts are not what we want. We seek to find a way through the shock, the senselessness, the destructive possibilities of the human spirit. The knife edge of normality which we unknowingly walk along every day and which disaster can shatter in an instant. As I feed our chickens and empty our bins, I wish you the soothing tedium of mundanity.

The mother soul is grieving for one of its own. Know that we are united around you, though you cannot see us or may not know us. We hold the space for you, for you to be as you need, in this moment. We open our Madonna's cloaks, fall into their soft folds, let us hold you and croon you a lullaby to soothe you into sleep and the momentary forgetfulness that it will bring, let us wail together, let us wash you clean of your pain in our tears, let us feed you and hold you as you cry and scream and rage and then lie silent.

I pray that you might find life after death. Someday, somehow.

With love, deepest love, dear Una and all your family.

A LOVE LETTER: in celebration of mamas:

I am lucky to know a lot of lovely mamas who are full time mamas, and also work at things that they love, to support their families financially and nourish their souls. Far from the 'having it all mums' of the 80s and 90s, these mamas are striving to find the balance, to make it work for them, loving their children, sharing care amongst loving friends and relatives. They are re-negotiating the split between working mother and stay-at-home mum in their own unique ways, according to their own unique circumstances. Some are partnered, some are single. All are making sacrifices, big sacrifices: financial, emotional and creative for the good of their families. Their families are their priority, the reason that they must earn, or must stay home the majority of the time. But in the moments in between, late into the night, at weekends, they work at things that make their spirits sing, for love, for money, for sanity... 

I am lucky to count amongst them:
An Avon lady and card maker

Two teachers, theatre producers and performers

A couple of writers

An editor

A childbirth educator

Many crafty mamas of all stripes and spots

An illustrator

An artist

A nutritionist

A chef

A couple of home educating teachers
And lots, lots more besides who work as all sorts of wonderful, interesting or often mundane things...

They also give their time to friends, bake cakes, make welcoming homes, support causes close to their hearts, serve up wholesome meals, organise wonderful parties for adults and children. As well as mothering with integrity and dedication day after day after day after day.

All hail to you my dear friends, and to those of you I have never met. You wise women, you gentle loving souls. To you who have chosen to quietly put your dreams to one side, on go-slow, not completely or forever, just enough to serve those that you love as they need you.

And to you all, who have answered the invitation of your burgeoning creativity, which has developed and bloomed, as you have your bodies, through your childbearing and mothering. Your fertility blossoming in both mind and body. You are taking risks to bring forth what lies within you, to express what is most beautiful, precious, sacred, important to you. Birthing your creative babies out into the often cold, hard world.

I honour your acceptance of the changing nature of your bodies and surrender to your lives, which are almost unrecognisable from the freedoms you once knew.

I honour your doubts, your risks, and your challenges. I honour your feelings of barely keeping hold of sanity. I honour the fact that often you would sell your own soul for another six hours to every day, an extra pair of hands, five minutes peace...

I wish that I could give you all the money you needed, guarantee the safety and happiness of your children, a wonderful lover in your beds, and a warm meal on your table, and a house fairy to tidy up the mess. But I can't - you do all that magic by yourselves.

And I do too...

Here's to us!

Mother tongue - a positive vocabulary of mothering

“We live in an articulate society, continually questioning ourselves and each other. It is not fair to leave a new mother with a horrific collection of words to condemn her – and almost nothing in the way of praise for when she is doing something well. A whole vocabulary is missing.” 

What Mothers Do (especially when it looks like nothing) Naomi Stadlen

So here are some of the words I have added to my mothering vocabulary:

A mama - I am most definitely a mama: any female through the act of giving birth or adoption becomes a mother. Mummy is my mother, and it has the connotations for me of poshness and childishness. I am not a mom (american) or mam (Irish),  or mum (standard English) All of them are short, curt sounding and conventional. There is no roundness, warmness to those words.

No, I am a mama - soft to cuddle, with big snuggly milk giving boobs and rounded baby carrying hips, honed to soft perfection by our nearly daily family cookie baking and eating. I am a hippy mama, with floaty skirts, to skim over those big hips. I am a sling wearing, sore-knee kissing, jumping on the trampoline together, Arnica prescribing, walking in the woods, roast chicken serving, lullaby singing, candle lighting, playgroup starting, nature table tending, crafty crafty mama. 

Mama can be a verb too. Come round my house, any day or night and you will find me mama-ing my little brood. Sometimes with joy and laughter and songs, making playdough and dancing to folk music in the sitting room. And sometimes shouting and screaming and crying and despairing over toddler tantrums, maternal exhaustion from a night waking baby and my need to run away to the other side of the world, now!

An inherent part of mama-ing is Snuggle-time- a warm, cuddly, lovely time to sink your nose into your child's hair, and give them your warmest most golden sustaining mama-energy, and suck up their sweetness and wish you could bottle it. "Mama snuggle me up" pleads my two year old when she is feeling sad or tired. Snuggle time with all my children started with the warm reciprocated joy of liquid love: breastfeeding. As they have got older and weaned, it continues to be a golden time for us.

Breathing is another key mama skill. I find breathing gets me out of a lot of hairy situations. Sometimes breathing is all I can do to stop my mama head from spinning off in sheer frustration. And sometimes I think sod breathing I need to shout! And then I feel very, very guilty.

So peace-making is another key mama skill. Making peace with myself for failing myself and my children. Making peace with my children for being a horrible shouty, cranky mama. Making peace between my children when they are tormenting each other. This mama skill is why I think there should be more mamas in "big" power, out in the world.

Soothing is a variation on snuggle time, but is needed for scared, hurt, shocked children. I picture my Madonna's cloak, and imagine it wrapped around my little one and I as I rock, cradle and stroke them wherever we may be: shopping centre, birthday party, bus or home.

Strewing is another key skill for wanna-be home educators, and hands on parents. It is the act of scattering carefully thought out ideas, objects, games, books in your child's path, and then jumping out of the way to let them pick it up and take an interest in it, to ask questions in their own time, rather than foisting a "learning experience" on them.

Day Surfing is the act of filling a day with no money, and no plans, seeing where you wash up: head into town, start at the library, then onto the pet shop, watch the road construction team working, a run in the park, listening to a busker. day surfing is a much larger challenge at home, where it can often be white knuckle survival.

I am sure I will add to this. But what are your words for positive acts of mothering? Add to our communal vocabulary, and honour the often challenging, sometimes rewarding, but crucially important act of mothering. I invite you to share you contributions in the comments box below.

BALANCING WORK AND PARENTING

An alternative to the work and parenting dilemma 
1500 WORD ARTICLE- published in JUNO

“The future is not inevitable. We can influence it, if we know what we want it to be…We can and should be in charge of our own destinies in a time of change.” 

Charles Handy, 1989

The road to parenthood is often littered with tough decisions, compromises and abandoned dreams. One common stumbling block is the eternal tug of war between paid work and parenting. It is a clash of well-made intentions and hard realities, with few alternatives offered by our working culture. Evolving a life where we can balance our children’s needs for breastfeeding, love and plenty of hands-on parenting, with our own adult needs for recognition and engagement with the outside world, whilst meeting our financial needs, is a quandary that many families can face.

As a society, we are improving in our provision of parental leave; maternity allowance and child care options. But we are still putting the economic role of parents in the workforce before the very real needs of children for parental carers. There is a great pressure in our culture right now, both socially and financially, for both parents to hold full time paid careers outside the home. Something has to give and it is usually our energy and sanity as we get busier and more money rich but time poor. As house prices and child care costs rise, and our material expectations increase, it can feel as though there are fewer choices open to us.

This article is about creating alternatives to the either/or boundary so commonly laid down in our culture between the career women and stay-at-home mums. Making your own way requires some redefinitions: of our roles and titles, of financial needs and wants, of concepts of work, of success and achievement, of possible jobs and of how daily life can look. It requires a greater degree of self reliance, adaptability and the courage to live out your values and take risks. There is no blueprint, no how-to manual; we each must find our own way that works best for our families and us. This is challenge enough for two parent families and twice as much so for lone parents who have already had to learn to be creative and flexible in their roles. My hope is to inspire you towards a way of living which complements, not compromises, you and your family’s ever-changing needs, allowing you and your loved ones flexibility, togetherness, autonomy and creativity in your lives.

Decisions, decisions

Before having a child, I used to know clearly which side of the fence I would be: the divide clearly laid down in our culture between the career women and stay-at-home mums. My own mother was a stay-at-home mum: she had a hundred interests but her role did not include paid work. And I thought that I would be the same. I was outraged when asked, whilst I was still pregnant, when I would restart work. I was committed to being a stay-at-home mum, with all that it entailed. This was my baby and I didn’t want to pay someone else to bring it up for me so I could have a career.

And yet, when the time came, I felt very clearly that I wanted to be able to contribute something financially to our family in addition to being my son’s main caretaker. I had no interest in being a career woman, but I also did not want to be confined to the domestic sphere. I had a strong desire to continue to contribute to society in a broader sense and continue finding avenues for expressing my creativity as I always had done. My devotion to caring for my son was absolute, and yet I was not prepared to put being me on hold for ten years or more, neither was I willing to try “having it all” as has been so popularised recently. And so we have evolved a new way of living and working, making and finding our own work from lots of part time jobs and self-employment, whilst parenting in partnership. Practically speaking this has meant me taking the majority of the child-care and my husband the majority of the earning for most of the first year, and into the second year the pendulum has started to swing the other way. However, at times when I have had a glut of work he has the flexibility to shift into stay-at-home father role. Generally I work outside the home one-and-a-half days a week and he cares for our son just as I do when he works. We both also take on work that we can do from home in the evenings. Many people envy us, and say that we’re lucky to spend so much time at home with our son and not “go to work” at full time jobs like they “have to”. But this is all about choices, we have chosen not to have careers in organisations which organise our lives for us, we have chosen not to have a big mortgage which stretches us to breaking point. We have chosen to put one of us being home with our son first, and with those priorities in place, our need to earn our living falls in around that. We have chosen to think creatively about our working lives. As I see it you can hand over your time or money for security or live more self sufficiently, taking responsibility for this yourself.

Charles Handy, an influential and visionary business writer (author of The Age of Unreason and The Empty Raincoat amongst other books), talks of new ways of working, which will become more commonplace as our economy moves away from providing nine to five jobs for organisations. He talks of your portfolio of work, a far broader definition of work than we currently hold. There are five categories; the paid work consists of wage work (money paid for time given) and fee work (money paid for results delivered, e.g. professional freelance or artistic work). There are three “free work” categories, which are just as important but undervalued in our society and therefore omitted from peoples’ current portfolios: Homework encompassing caring, family responsibilities and domestic work, gift or voluntary work and study/ hobby work:
“If, rather than think of life as work and leisure, we think of it as a portfolio of activities - some of which we do for money, some for interest, some for pleasure, some for a cause - that way, we do not have to look for the occupation that miraculously combines job satisfaction, financial reward and pleasant friends all in one package. As with any portfolio we get different returns from different parts and if one fails the whole is not ruined.”

In this model our lives and our work are not seen as two distinct and separate things but rather intertwined and each allotted equal significance in maintaining our lives as individuals and society. Rather than having your ‘job’ to which you go to for eight hours a day, your portfolio of work may consist of both paid and unpaid work, maybe in many different roles or capacities over the week or year and certainly over a lifetime. Work can be a far broader, more diverse and fulfilling prospect than we might imagine!

We have found that this approach has worked well for us. We are certainly not rich in financial terms, but neither are we poor in any sense. We have a far wider range of experiences, locations, activities, co-workers and roles on a weekly basis than if we were going to work every day at the same job or only staying home doing childcare. We are in charge of our time to a far greater degree, and so more flexible. We feel in control of our own lives: they are full and satisfying. For paid work we mark exam papers, edit and proof read, teach yoga, creative writing and drama, do hours in a shop and office when needed, sell bio-mass boilers, tutor secondary school kids and make Christmas wreaths for sale. Our other time is spent parenting, gardening, volunteering at La Leche League and on a local arts festival committee and on hobbies and learning. There is never a dull moment! We are rich in time some days and over-worked on others. There is always seasonal work, always times when someone or other needs an extra hand. Living and working this way doesn’t give you the company car, the fast track promotion or the pension policy- but it gives you priceless things such as time – to care for your child yourself, to breastfeed in an extended manner, to build or renovate you own house, to integrate yourself far more into your community and the seasons, and crucially, to develop a sense of trust and surrender to the world. Working in this way makes you more realistic about your abilities and skills and far broader in categorising yourself. It also means you have to learn to name your price and to label your worth, which is often a real challenge. Rather than the never-ending fear of ‘what if’, you face it day after day and learn to live with constantly being open to opportunities and trusting that where one door closes another opens. 


My guiding mantra and starting point on this journey is Theodore Roosevelt’s wise words: “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” My yardstick for success is based on the words attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson:

“To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;

To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded.”

Get creative

Take a big sheet of paper and brainstorm what the good life looks like for you. Try to steer clear of infinite money and desert islands! Maybe it is being able to pick up your kids from school, being self-employed, working with horses, cooking professionally, growing your own organic vegetables, being less reliant on the car, using your creativity to earn money.

Redefine the concept of a job

Keep your old job but go part time, job share, flexi time or temp. Take advantage of technology to make the place of your work more adaptable and e-commute. Revive cottage industry and work from home. Choose your business and co-workers and work with or for partner or friends. Or go out on your own and be self-employed. Or go with the seasons and temp or do contract work. Or combine lots of bit part job roles.

Create paid work

Really take into account ALL of your skills, not just qualifications when thinking how you might create paid work in your portfolio.

What skills do you enjoy using most? What activities use these? (See Bolles, What Color is Your Parachute?) What work is there a need for in your community or region? Can you provide this? What are you good at? What do you do already that you could turn into a profession? What was your dream job before you started to compromise? What paid work could you do from home which complements or is an extension of stay-home parenting? What hobbies or interests could you turn into earning potential by teaching to others or selling the product of your hobby?

Reassess your markers of success

Are they monetary, to do with career prestige, or are they more in line with sustainable happiness? Money cannot replace time with your partner, time in nature, your babies’ smiles and seeing first steps. What really makes you rich? What has value for it? List all the things other than money that work provides you: self-esteem, using your creativity, spending time with like minded people, challenge… make sure that between your various types of work you meet all of these needs.

Off-load unnecessary expenses

Downsize, barter skills or products with friends and neighbours, reuse, recycle, share, start a LETS economy in your community or an unofficial skills swap. By doing this we swap babysitting time, baby stuff, clothes, handy-manning, professional services, garden produce and preserves between our support network. We share lifts, grocery shopping, club memberships and various media amongst our friends. Our society is pitched towards private ownership, but it has large financial costs and excess material clutter. Maybe you don’t need to own but can share, borrow or rent your house, holiday house, book, laptop…

Books:

The Empty Raincoat: Making Sense of the Future by Charles Handy, Random House Business Books, £8.99

The Age of Unreason by Charles Handy, Random House Business Books, £8.99

What Color Is Your Parachute? A Practical Guide for Job-Hunters and Career Changers by Richard Bolles, Ten Speed Press, £12.99

"Watch out, rocks ahead!"

The jolt in our civilisation is much on my mind at the moment. Watching the Trillion Pound debt programme and reading Fleeing Vesuvius: Overcoming the Risks of Environmental and Economic Collapse, I am trying to arm myself with the facts. The scale of the figures involved in our current economic situation are mind-boggling.  The problem is that they are almost inconceivable to this little, well-educated human mind.  The FEASTA publication suggests we ask ourselves three questions: what can I do, what can our community do and what is out of my hands?

And that has been my approach thus far. We are moving our money out of banks, investing in real, useful things: insulation for our house, bicycles, a water butt, books for knowledge, a full bulk-bought store cupboard, education for ourselves. We are borrowing our mortgage from family and paying back to the banks what is theirs so that we are not caught up in their mess. We are keeping open minds about our "work" and earning potential, diversifying our revenue-streams, so that we are not reliant on one source of income. We are trying to make ourselves as self-sufficient  as we can, simultaneously rooting ourselves in our community - supporting local business, individuals and services. We are building up community capital, investing time in friendship, skill exchanges, swaps of unwanted products: clothes, books etc amongst firneds and our freecycle community. I have been a big fan of Rob Hopkin's Transition Towns Movement and we are guided by its principles and actions. I consider us to be a Transition family, more of which another time...

I am not trying to get apocalyptic, but at the same time, major, major changes are happening around us, especially in Ireland and the UK which are changing the way we will live and work and our financial standing for generations to come. Gone are the big cosy pensions, the two foreign holidays a year, the jobs for life, the free University education, free old-age care, mortgage relief for the unemployed. We are being expected more and more to provide for ourselves and our families: we must anticipate our needs, to be response-able.

The image I have chosen for this post is symbolic: each family can try to be an island, to prepare themselves to withstand the stormy seas, but still we are reliant on the mainland for many of our survival needs. Also we that understand a little about the challenges which coming can be like lighthouses to others, showing the way through the dark seas, "Watch out, rocks ahead!"

The Chinese character for crisis is danger plus opportunity. And this is where we are. Some days we are hopeful, the world is full of new promise and exciting changes, the next it is like staring into the abyss,  as we assess and await the unknowable. I feel like a consummate Girl Guide and am working hard to "be prepared".

And you... how are you and your family responding to the changing economic climate? Is it all alarmist hype? Are you hoping it'll all blow over? Or are you making changes and preparations for a different way of life?