Is the silencing of mama anger a feminist issue?

I have been thinking much the past few days about mama anger...after my post at the weekend. My dear girls are down with chicken pox, part of me is feeling bad about being angry, part of me is relieved that there was a reason for the hellish nature of last week.

Part of me is glad to have shared- I feel an ethical duty not just to show the sunshine on this blog, I certainly do not want to hold myself up as someone who has "got it all figured out" - far from it... the reality of life in my world is not always shiny, not at all...

I am glad I touched a chord with many...

I worry that some think I am perhaps a danger to my children or setting a bad example of acted out anger...The comment that that worried me most was the last... I had been expecting it...

I have just discovered a seminal feminist text on mothering: Of Woman Born: Motherhood as Experience and Institution by Adrienne Rich. I didn't know that there was such a thing, nor did any of my feminist friends, so perhaps you didn't either. One of my major issues with feminism was the lack of acknowledgement of mothering (as I explained here and here). And so I wanted to share an extended extract from it with you on the topic of mothers' anger:

Opening with a quote she takes from a 19th Century manual for mothers, written, yes, by a man:
"can a mother expect to govern a child when she cannot govern herself?... She must learn to control herself, to subdue her own passions; she must set her children an example of meekness and equanimity... Let a mother feel grieved, and manifest her grief when her child does wrong; let her, with calmness and reflection use the discipline which the case requires; but never let her manifest irritated feeling, or give utterance to angry expression."  

She goes on to detail Marmee's instructions to the hot-tempered Jo in Little Women: 


" I am angry nearly every day of my life, Jo; but I have learned not to show it; and I still hope to learn not to feel it, though it may take me another forty years."


"Mother love" Rich concludes " is supposed to be continuous, unconditional. Love and anger cannot coexist. female anger threatens the institution of motherhood."


Seems like not much has changed...

I definitely think when we, when I, scream at my kids, it is more than just screaming at their behaviour. It is screaming at the frustration which motherhood and children bring. The seemingly closed off world and opportunities which the children brought with them, which I didn't fully understand or anticipate. No one can understand the totality of the mother lode until she is up to her eyeballs with no way out: the lack of support, the drudgery which no one can, or will, take from your shoulders.This is the institution of motherhood as our society has built it: isolated, moralised, judged, the mother expected to be almost everything to her charges. I scream at the walls of Jericho, willing them to tumble down.

RAISING OUR VOICES

Part 3 of the Call yourself a Feminist? series

Feminists, suffragettes and many protest groups before and since have recognised that if you want to be heard, you must raise your voice.

But raising our voices with uncontrolled anger or sadness, to whinge or to nag is alienating, irritating and ineffective - be it directed to our friends, children, spouses or governments. First we must honour the NEED to communicate, rather than swallow our voices. Secondly we must learn to express ourselves effectively, in a way that our message can be heard by those listening. Otherwise both speaker and message can be easily dismissed.

The gift of great movers on a global stage, with a powerful message is integrity and control and insistence, passionate insistence, and self knowledge and reflection: think the Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela, Aung San Suu Kyi, Gandhi...

Call yourself a feminist? (2)...Well, no!

Despite being grateful to feminists, and having read many of their key works, I do not consider myself a feminist (despite yesterday's evidence) because....
I find them loud and shouty and deliberately reactionary
I find that they alienate a lot of women and most men who aren't as radical as them
I feel that they have no answer, no response to the issue of motherhood, except avoid it, or ignore their children. BUT this does not throw me in with the Catholic New Feminists either...

But before you get too cross with me, I don't call myself a suffragette either, and nor do you! And I am deeply grateful to both sets of women. Deeply. But times move on. Needs change. Issues change. Ways of communicating change...

Call yourself a feminist?

Well, let me examine the evidence:
I do not believe that women are or should be subservient, the weaker sex or any other gross generalisation of "the fairer sex".

VOTES FOR WOMEN

88 years ago all Irish women won the right to vote.

What does a vote mean to you?

Women make up 50 % of the population...

In our last election an equal number of men and women voted...

And yet...

We currently have 22 women TDs in 166 seats, 13 women in the senate out of 60...

How might things have been different if we'd had a female Minister for Finance during the past decade? A female Taoiseach (Prime Minister)? How might things be different?

The time has come for positive change, a re-balancing of power. Now is our opportunity.

This is not a battle of the sexes. Nor a call to arms. The time is ripe to build a new political culture. A sustainable economy. A culture based on community, not business values.

Ireland has a strong modern history of voting in powerful, considered, intelligent, respectful Presidents: we have had 20 solid years of a female premiere. In the last Presidential election 4 of the 5 candidates were female. We recognise the skills which they offer, we allow them to represent us with grace, diplomacy and intelligence on the international stage. So why not in national politics? Now is the time, our opportunity to say, enough of the "boyos". Let us beckon in a new political culture, one which nurtures, rather than destroys our culture.

Of course women alone do not hold the answer. But nor do men. And yet for centuries men have been in sole charge of nation building. During the twentieth century, women began to enter politics. Now it is time for women to raise their voices, not a little but to their full force, to full equality. To speak up for the values they want to see their public representatives embody. To give voice to what have normally been considered "female" values, which many men hold too: nurturing, respect, supporting, prioritising health, family and caring.

This is not a time for finger pointing, BUT, count the number of female bankers, lawyers, property developers, TDs who profited from the shady shenanigans of the past decade. They are very few and far between. We may not be responsible for the mess, but we have many skills to help clear it up and help to transform not only policies but the way politics are done.

What we need is to use our democratic power to the full. Now could be a time of deep unrest. One trade union has already threatened civil unrest. We saw the men crashing through the Gardai outside Leinster House yesterday. The last thing we need now is chest beating and violence. What we need is co-operation, collaboration, inspiration, making peace, building communities, not war mongering and  ego boosting. What we need is a Great Conversation. One which includes us all.

No more party politics. No more braying in the House of Representatives. No more back-handers. We need the committed work of all elected to turn our country, not only around, but inside out. Into a functioning, caring, democratic society, one which celebrates, supports and builds on, rather than exploits or destroys, the wonder of its people; our beautiful, bounteous island home; our stunning, diverse natural habitat; our fertile fields; our creative culture; our long and deep spiritual heritage; our strong families and communities; our young and booming population.

Votes for Women will encourage women to vote.
It will campaign for a positive election.
It will encourage people to vote for women candidates.
It will bring the above issues to regular attention through press releases to the nation media.

All in favour say "aye".