Equanimous

When we attended a Vipassana 10 day silent meditation retreat in Japan, the word that the whole experience centred around was "equanimity". This is what we were being urged to practice by the disembodied voice coming from the tape recorder of the guru, "cultivate equanimity" the wise Indian voice counselled. "Do not attach yourself to good or bad, remain equanimous, in the present moment, that is the only liberation from the wheel of suffering." I squirmed and struggled and wanted enlightenment NOW, not this trying not to feel anything crap. I wanted to achieve. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to think and worry and drama and past and present. Round and round whirled my mind and the drama of my life.

But you know what, that's where I'm at right now.

Equanimity and trust.

I might be on the journey of creating another life at this very moment. And I probably am not. Both hold seeds of joy. Both would bring their own challenges. I release the need to know, to be in control, to attach my happiness or sadness to outcome.  It is possibility: unlooked for possibility. It is allowing me to process a lot of possibilities and feelings. I trust whatever the path is which unfolds before me. I am happy not knowing. Watching my body for the answers.

This is a new place for me. Me who likes to be in control. Me who likes to hold the answers, to be in charge, to panic and chatter and to know, like, yesterday. Me who has the patience of... an impatient animal! So I urge you to wait too. All will unfold. We can be agitated or calm as it does unfold. The choice is truly ours. That is the power we hold: setting the tone of our time here. I am choosing peace. I am choosing equanimity.

All is well in my world.

THE SOUND OF SILENCE

I always thought that I was drawn to Buddhism and Quakerism because they were non-dogmatic routes to personal enlightenment. They speak to my own journey, by elucidating and honouring the individual's inner path.

This morning I suddenly realised why else they draw me - they both offer silence as both ministry and communion. Silence for me is a balm and a discipline. It does not come easily. I have a chattering mind and mouth, but silence is where I am happiest. And with three young children it is a commodity as rare as gold in my life.

I remember when I did a ten day silent meditation retreat in Japan, everyone who knew me thought I would struggle with not being able to talk for ten days. The opposite was true, I ran to the toilet and sobbed my heart out when the silence came to an end and I had to speak again.

Silent space practices

Meditation per se is not something I have space for in my life right now. And I feel the lack of it. And so I take opportunities throughout the day to try to reconnect to silence and mindfulness, that I want to share with you.

PEACE BE WITH YOU

Peace be with you...

And also with you.

I always loved those words from the church services of my youth. The handshake and the wishing of peace to be with another person. This small act always awakened the desire for peace within myself. The still small voice came alive. That space within me that so easily gets shut down, drowned out by the noise, stress and chatter of daily life and the machinations and posturing of my well developed ego.