Sunday, August 25, 2013

Up, up, up

The problem with knowing that I am bi polar, is the crippling self awareness.
I feel good.
I have energy.
I got lots done at work.
Alarm bells
I can't stop feeling delighted with myself...but I just sold 2 paintings unexpectedly and got a commission for another that is right up my street. All in the space of in 24 hours. 
And crossed a number of things off my list that I've been dreading for months. Website for new book? Tick! Contacted venue for launch? Tick. Write some materials for launch? Tick! Get positive sounding responses from all venues, including two I'd never dared consider?Tick!
Who wouldn't feel good, and want to tell everyone their success?
Not to mention that my Pinterest and Facebook stats have suddenly sky rocketed in the past week!
I am really feeling the love from so many people for the work I do and that fills me with deep joy and satisfaction.
I had a laugh and lewd jokes with a friend, but who wouldn't on a Friday night having had a gin and tonic whilst celebrating the friends birthday and having just seen the hottest nearly naked red Indian man either of us had ever seen.
My libido is high. But of course it is, it's that time of the month.
But more alarm bells... This is like a tick list of a hypo manic episode... But all these feelings are tied to real events....
I'm back painting... Who wouldn't be having had that boost of confidence from selling work, and the need to start on a commissioned piece?
I painted the backgrounds of 10 canvases this morning... They're fun and quick and I adore playing with colour.
Big alarm bells.
Writing ideas are coming once the painting is unblocked.
I need a little less sleep. But it's full moon and that time of the month....
I don't THINK this is a hypo mania. But it sounds like it. I know I need to keep myself in check.... But it feels so good after weeks of feeling low energy and cut off... I don't like doubting myself. Anyone else would be feeling good in these circumstances. I'm not high as a kite.... Not running down the street naked
Normal people don't have to feel worried about feeling good or being productive.... They can just let rip. I worry there might be a crash on the other side....


  1. I was diagnosed with bipolar II 3 years ago. Once I started keeping track of my moods I realized that I had been manifesting symptoms for over a decade. After much back and forth I chose to take medication because I was afraid of the rage that often accompanied the fall from a hypomanic state to depression. My children are with me all day every day and I needed to be able to be fully there for them most of the time. I still question that decision though sometimes simply because I'm not the kind of person who looks to medication to solve problems. Even with medication though I find myself doing the same thing and questioning every exceptionally productive or euphoric day. I worry that rather than dropping to a normally productive level I will drop all the way back down to the bottom. Of course, I love that euphoric super woman feeling but for me it only ever lasts 2-5days and the depression is far longer and deeper. I am sorry that you're going through this too. In some ways I've found it easier to understand myself but in others it challenges so many of my ideas about it being within my abilities to control certain things that in reality I can't and it's painful. It also makes me feel as if all the energy and creativity that comes from my hypomanic episodes (I've only had fully manic episodes when I was placed on antidepressants before I was diagnosed as bipolar) is not as real or even sometimes tainted.

  2. I hear you. Completely. Thank you for your comment and sharing your experience.

  3. oh yes to half (or mostly) naked indians... love you lucy and I hear you x x x

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