Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
In the midst of playing it the biggest I ever have in my life, I got a momentary glimpse... of just how small this is... and how vast my potential is.Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
I have been protecting myself... and the world... from the vastness of my potential. Because still I am scared. Of other people. Of life. Of no. Of what if things go wrong. Or not knowing where to start. Of having to have the answers. Of what the future holds.
I have been playing small. Small of vision. In order to stay safe. In order to be loved. In order to not make mistakes.
My neck has frozen. Louise L Hay says this is a sign of inflexibility. No shit, I thought. But also quite profound. I went to the chiropractor looking for a quick fix. It felt like just one vertebra had clicked out of place, and just needed someone else, ie her, to fix it for me and I'd be good to go.
But no. Apparently not an option. It turns out it's muscles. Overstretched. Are we getting the layers of metaphor here? And that when they're overstretched they seize up, to protect themselves. They form armour. Ummmm, yup.
Last week I realised just how much I cut myself off, I disconnect, to feel safe. If I'm in overwhelm I disconnect - from those who love me, from the outside world, from FLOW.
Flow... being ease, connection, love, pleasure, release, god, unity with all things....
I write about flow. I know flow intellectually. I have experienced it so many times creatively. There's a whole flipping sub-chapter about it in my next book (The Rainbow Way), for flips sake. But knowing... knowing is just one thing. Living... living it is a different matter. In living it is not just our brain cells that have to resonate with it, but every cell in our beings. They have to resonate with it in order to bring it forth into our material reality. But often they are so armoured with their programming of lack, of disconnection, that they simple recreate that reality instead.
I was at women's group on Sunday bemoaning the fact that I can't paint, as in it just won't flow, and I don't know where to start. It has become blocked up again. And I feel sad and frustrated. I really miss painting.
And then I was put in touch with a soul-sister, by name and art - Lucy Pierce - a painter of labyrinths and women, a writer of soul poems and sculptor of birthing figurines (do check out her beautiful work). And it was like seeing a version of myself if I just let myself go, if I were able to free myself up and flow in my creativity. Her work is the maturity of my fits and starts. And I don't know the first thing about her (why did none of you introduce her to me?????) but her whole site is just beautiful, poised, self-assured. I do not see all the self-doubt and internal interrogating and angst that go on in my head, in her work. I do not see the constant U turns. I see a woman in flow with herself. And then I had a rather funny epiphany, that I know many people experience that finding me and my work. I know because I get their emails. And so it was nice to be in the reversed position.
And it let me see, for a moment who or what I might be if I could let the veil of self-doubt drop and stay in flow, and follow the flow. And I'm not belittling myself - I know I am really getting that with my books. But with my art and other short writings there is a constant self-questioning. Which uses up precious creative energy. Which swallows up bright potential in the darkness of doubt. It limits and narrows me, because I believe, still, that there are vast areas which are "not me" that I have no access to, or permission to enter.
I armour myself to protect myself from life. Because its vastness scares me. And I believe that if I don't know where to start, then it's safer not to start at all...
And I know that I am not alone. In fact, I know that in reality I am a lot further along this path than a lot of people, in that I am doing my ideal work, I am my own boss, I have a wide range of creative expression, I have a family life set up the way that works for me, and a partnership which I have visioned and adapted to support me best.
I shan't tell you what I started dreaming of regarding potential new work yesterday, in the midst of neck-agony. Let's just say it was the fruition of an old dream, combined with current dreams. A possibility I hadn't conceived of only days before. And which you WON'T be expecting... I am going to sit with it for a while...
So, dearest reader, what are you protecting yourself from? How are you clinging to the branches of familiarity rather than diving into the flow and abandoning yourself to the possibility of your own greatness? What parts of life, or yourself are off limits? How might you begin to strip the armour away.
Do you have an inkling of just what potential you have, and how small you choose to keep yourself? My guess is no!