Shit or glory...

I have paint on my fingers again. And I am reluctant to wash them. I love looking like a Creative Rainbow Mama!

It wasn't easy. To get back into painting. But a friend wanted me to do a picture for a book cover.

I had promised myself (promised her) when my books were done that I would. But it's easier to sit at a computer and feel like I'm doing something "good" to make us money, rather than plug into the old creative mojo and take the risk of nothingness or ecstasy. Shit or glory. Really it is.

And so I took my paints into the sunshine, to recharge the old mojo. And loosened up my body. And hummed James Taylor at the top of my lungs (have you ever  noticed that ALL his songs have the same tune?)

And I played with colour... there is now paint on my face, on my fingers, on my shoes, shirt, and ALL over the grass... but it's OK, because a) it's not my grass and b) it will grow out before the owner returns.

This post was not supposed to be about paint.

It was supposed to be about other things... like the theme for this month...yes I was organised, I had a theme - it seems to be some weird thing I do every May!

But I'm a bit stuck to be honest. Words. Stuck. Not working. Stiff and awkward. No flow.

But my painting was free...ish. And colourful.

And I'm not sure if the friend will like it. And am preparing myself to do another because I'm sure it won't be right...

And I realise that the painting thing, and this blogging thing... they're stuck because I have expectations about what the end result should be. I aint much good at should. I'm good at turning up, diving in, going the flow and seeing where it takes me...

Which is actually rather cunning, bearing in mind her book is called the Go with the Flow Birth Planner.

And the thing about going with the flow is it's almost always pretty fucking messy. You get covered in paint and cum and shit and amniotic fluid and puke - and that's on a good day! It's usually scary at the beginning. Cos we're used to join-the-dots living, with expert guides and careful plans to hold our hands and steer our course.

But fuck it, living the orgasm of creativity is more exciting by far. And more frustrating. And it won't pay the bills every week. But usually the end result just blows you away. And your mind shatters into a million pieces of delight.

Today's post was not going to be about this! But there it is... shit or glory!