Saturday, January 26, 2013

Hairy guacamole, Batman!

So there I was, sitting in a bath of vegetable blobs when I thought, maybe this is not such a good idea.

If I had a penis I would have just poured myself a tequila half an hour ago. Because a man, if he sees a bowl of guacamole, would never in a million years consider putting it on his hair, just like if he sees oatmeal and honey, he thinks "breakfast" not "cheap tonifying face mask."

But here I was. Penis free. Hair down to my boobs, which is fecking long when your boobs are down to your knees. Having not been to a hairdresser in 8 years. And having spent the past two days and nights sleeping with it up to minimise the chundered carrot chunks in it, (I had the vomitting bug), something needed to be done. And so I decided two things.

My poor dear body needs some real TLC. I'm worth it. A truly good decision, I was on the money here.

The next one: I'll start with my hair - not so good!

I went to the internet for an answer. We had an avocado on the turn in the fruit bowl, and my addled thrifty mama brain remembered seeing on Pinterest (the mama fantasy world) that one can use such things for DIY hair deep conditioning treatments.

I bundled the kids off with a blender full of freshly made hummous (its alright, there's no need to hate me, its the only thing they all eat other than their subsistence diet of chocolate spread sandwiches) with dear Mr DA to see the in-laws and ran myself a bath.

Then I set to work on the hair mask. Ah, blender with kids, I realised. No worries, reassures the glossy website, just mash well, and mix in the olive oil.

Well I did, really well. And that's where I shoulda stopped and cracked open the tequila and tortilla chips.

But no, I stepped on the scales, celebrated the lost chundered pounds, lit some candles, said prayers and lowered myself into the bath. Shampooed, rinsed, applied mask. Rinsed. And rinsed. And rinsed again. And then spent the next ten minutes picking out lumps of guacamole from my dry yet oily, tangled, shitty-looking, weird-smelling hair.

So if you see me, and it looks like I have puke in my hair, I just might, or I might have just been on Pinterest again.

Now there's a man back home, and a freshly-bathed wife in a dressing gown, and no kids....though I doubt I'll get lucky, with all these smelly green lumps in my hair!

So pass the guacamole. And the tortilla chips. And the scissors!

Tell me dear reader, in the spirit of Blog delurking week, what's the weirdest thing you've ever put on your hair... Or skin? And did it work. If you've never left a message before, I'd be extra stoked to hear from you! I know you're there!

11 comments:

  1. Have put plenty of homemade remedies in my hair &on my face over the years but I'm gone blank But did decide to cut my hair at 2.30am n the morning abt a year ago after a glass of wine or 2 - not the brightest idea I've had...lol...a visit to a hair dresser was a must, now the scissors is given to my husband to give a quick trim ;-)

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    1. I've never done drunk late night hair cutting, but I've done the pulling my hair straight and getting a friend to cut my fringe which bounced up and was mega short for the rest of the summer!

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  2. Have put plenty of homemade remedies in my hair &on my face over the years but I'm gone blank But did decide to cut my hair at 2.30am n the morning abt a year ago after a glass of wine or 2 - not the brightest idea I've had...lol...a visit to a hair dresser was a must, now the scissors is given to my husband to give a quick trim ;-)

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  3. Haha ok I wont be trying that D.I.Y hair mask in a hurry. I once had a bath with green tea bags, well if it's good to drink it why not bathe in, was ok but I did smell a bit like grass afterwards hmmmm!? x

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    1. Interesting logic! Did the caffeine have any effect?!

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  4. ha ha ha that's brilliant, well my worst beauty disaster was when I was about 14. I hate plucking my eyebrows, so I thought I'd short cut and use one of my mum's waxing strips. I carefully cut it to shape for under the eye brown, applied (badly), pulled and de-eyebrowed myself completely...so how did I fix this? with make up...oh no! I cut an inch long strip of my own (head) hair and stuck this to my eye brow with superglue and then artfully arranged my hair over my odd eyebrow. I think I glued my fake eyebrow onto my head for weeks, until the eyebrow grew back (thank god it did) but oddly enough no-one either noticed or commented on it. still makes me laugh in disbelief :-) now where's that avocado...must try it :-)

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  5. Oh, Laura, pissing myself laughing here, that's the BEST beauty disaster cover up I ever heard!

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  6. I have nothing on Laura, but as a teenager myself I read that mayonnaise was a great moisturizer for dry hair. So, in the depths of winter, I slathered mayonnaise into my long tresses. I waited the suggested time, and washed it out. And washed it out. And washed it out. I used almost an entire bottle of shampoo, but it didn't matter. My hair was greasy, gross, slick mess for a week straight. Yuck.

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  7. Oh, Jennifer, I'm there right now, the olive oil in the mix has made my hair SOOOO greasy

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  8. Lol Lucy great story, has given me a good giggle this miserable January day

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