My body is shaking. It has been aware that this all feels like the biggest thing it's ever done for a month or more now.
It responds to feelings of bigness with anxiety and physical shaking.
But my mind is reasonably calm. For me. All things considered.
I have learnt a lot this past couple of years.
I have learnt that when my thoughts start to whirl or I wake in the middle of the night and cannot go back to sleep, that if I can only focus outside of my head on something else, I will notice that the noise and racing are only in my own head, they are not "reality". So I bring my attention to the tips of my fingers, my toes, and really feel them. And then listen to the outside world, it is calm and still. My mind whirls round, and I listen, as intently as I can to the sound of stillness outside of me.
Then I bring myself back into my body and feel it, bit by bit from the inside. Approaching it with curiosity rather than panic or accusation. Feeling rather than reacting. I feel the whirling in my solar plexus and I realise that I am not here, I am scattered everywhere, in every interview, and upcoming interview, and launch work and email, I have sent little pieces of my energy body out around the world. Of course I am feeling shaky and ungrounded.
And I realise to that this is a feeling of breaking through old limitations, old shells of reality that have cradled and cocooned me over the years, old cases of comfort that are breaking open, allowing me to expand my reach, my visions of myself, my abilities... but like the new butterfly coming out of its cocoon I am still soaking in the juices of transformation, my new belly is soft and vulnerable, it will take a little time for me to dry my wings and feel myself in this new form.
I now know that the shaking, though whilst accompanied by feelings of nausea and light anxiety, is not actually fear, nor something to be scared of. It is the shaking of a body in the transition stages of birth. Between contractions and pushing. And it is OK.
I now know the reason that this book has taken the time it did to come together and be birthed into the world is because of the power it holds. It is big, powerful stuff I have channelled through me and onto its pages, and in order to handle this energy, and deliver it in the way that shares it with as many people as possible I needed to be strong enough, I needed to be experienced enough in all the aspects of it: writing, publishing, marketing, creativity, energetically. And my children needed to be big enough to let me have the space and time to give myself so fully to its birth.
So here I am, standing on the threshold. The impetus growing by the day. All the hard, hard work I have done unseen for months, years, is coming to fruition. Harvest time is approaching. The final ecstatic pushes.
I am shaking. But it is OK. It is powerful stuff.