Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Up...and down...

Everything is sex.

I said as we drove down the mountainside, Prince blaring on the stereo. The forests had a glow about them. The patterns in the foliage jumping out in 3D like one enormous zen tangle. I understood everything suddenly, it seemed. Everything was so clear, so fluid and golden. My body too. Liquid honey. Tastes, sights, feelings brighter and clearer. I squeezed his hand delighted to be here, to be alive. The Universe loved me. I was in love with every atom of life. 

And then two days later as though a pin had burst my bubble. Numb darkness and despair. Except there was no pin. A this and a that, but nothing to justify this complete deflation. All was darkness. I felt detached, alone, despised. Everyone hated me. I hated me even more. Thoughts ran and ran through my head. Bad thoughts. I looked out the window at the breathtaking mountain view, snowcapped in the dazzling July sunshine. Nothing. I felt nothing. It was as though a gauze curtain had been drawn betwen me and the world. Its beauty could not touch me. It was just me and the darkness in my head. Nothing else could find its way in. I slapped myself around the face. Not something I have ever done before. But better than other options. Something, anything to be able to feel again. Come on, snap out of it. Nothing. I cried and cried. Numb darkness.

It became less intense, but lingers on weeks later. Sudden sobs envelop me. A lack of words. Physical tremors. A need to hide. To cower. To run.

This time it was clear to me. All too clear. The high. The low. And no reasons. I had seen it in others, knew all the signs... But just not in myself. Because my highs are never totally off the spectrum. Instead they are like falling in love. Or being inspired with a new project. Racing thoughts... Being full of enthusiasms. Non-stop talking. I'd always written the good bits off as creativity, as a rise in libido, as spiritual epiphanies, as finally fucking feeling good after my general grumpiness and impatience... But now I see... Oh so clearly what this is that I'm dealing with. Many previous events in my life have taken on a totally different colour now. I see them more clearly as the symptoms of an illness, not just feelings, events.... But connected. The up and down of the see saw. Two parts of the same program. If I own one, I must own the other. Or I must surrender them both for a different existence. Which at this point is my last choice.

I feel pretty foolish for not having seen it before. The great thing about us human creatures is our lack of clear seeing of ourselves. So now I see. And if truth be told I'm scared. Scared of the life sentence. Of the endlessness. Of the way it gets exacerbated by stress. Of not knowing how big the swings could get. Of the legacy I pass on through genes and environment. And of what this means for my kids and man. I know from personal experience what it's like to live around. And I feel scared and angry and helpless and ashamed. And maybe it's been obvious to everyone else but me for years. Maybe I was the only one who didn't know.

But now I do. I'm working through it. Getting clear on how best to manage it... To manage stressors in my life. To mediate the seesaw. I haven't told a soul except Mr DA. I want to hold it so close. I don't talk about this with anyone. The D word is something I have previously tended to talk about past tense, when it's over. But with this there is truly no over. Ever. Instead there's a label which feels like a life sentence... I hate both of the terms equally... So I'm chosing not to label it. It's not an event. A one off. It's a cycle. And endless one. That takes me and everyone I love with it. Sure, I know that there's no shame or fault in it. It's quite de rigeur to have a mental illness. But fuck. Fuck it. I feel like I've done my fair share of that sort of thing in this life time...

My first instinct was to keep it from everyone, to hide it, bury it. It's always been my approach when it comes to my adventures with depression. I dont want pity or attention.... But actually I think that openness is probably a better bet. In the long run. Otherwise in every conversation there is this gulf, this inability to broach what is currently the biggest thing in my life. But which I genuinely do not want to talk about. And its not something I relish doing face to face. With any of my peeps. So I'm doing it here. And reserve the right to remove this post at any point. Then those of you who know, know. So when I press the panic button, or wave a red flag you'll know whats up, and can be my angels in shining armour. And when you see a peak or trough you can hold the space with love, and keep a gentle eye on me.




28 comments:

  1. You are so brave and great to write this. Many hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  2. dear sweet Lucy, you are so strong and brave to post this. and I feel for you so much that fear and those worries and that 'you know i think i've had enough of this sort of shit', i really love your idea of embracing it, being honest with yourself about what this is, learn to know it, learn to live these cycles. arm and equip yourself with what you need to get through each cycle and more than anything be aware of the cycle itself that you won't get stuck 'down there' it will move and change and so will how you feel. and you are beautiful and wise and full of knowledge and a wonderful wife and friend and mother and well, you are Lucy Pearce, all of you x x x x x

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks all. And Laura, tho tears are falling at your loving words, I'm doing my special face to you!!! Now someone build me an emoticon for THAT!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Beautifully written, and it is sad that you have to be brave to be open about it, isn't it? The weird thing now that I feeling better and calm and able to enjoy my days again is the wondering. Is this what life is like most of the time for other people?

    At least you didn't wait 50 years to get help :) xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. Everybody has an emotional cycle. Isn't it wonderful that the ebbs and flows of emotion and emotional wellbeing follow a cycle - just as with life? If the cycle begins to interfere with your life, your relationships, with functioning on a regular basis then it's out of step with the world. By recognising that the flow is wrong you know that you need to get help. Be it from your partner, family or a doctor. Asking for help is a start, next is to learn how to manage your emotional rollercoaster in daily life.
    Well done.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Lucy, that piece is so beautifully written it has made me quite emotional. Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Lots of love. You continue to inspire me. And I am so proud of you.Pippamoo xx

    ReplyDelete
  8. Just know that wherever you are in your cycle, you are loved, cared for, and respected by all of us readers, friends and I'm sure, all who read your work. We're not so perfect ourselves and we have ups and downs too. You are never alone x x x x x x

    ReplyDelete
  9. being honest about this must of been a massive thing to do, I too pretend nothing is wrong, I brush off the feelings of despair, fight back the tears, why are they there?, I have no purpose to feel this way, I have love, a parter, children, a house etc the list goes on how grateful I al, but still when this cloak engulfs your being it does't matter what or who you have. Thank you, you are not alone, I am not alone xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yup Dotty, yup, yup, exactly and precisely my thoughts. This realisation has taken a bit of weight off my shoulders, a bit of self blame.... I can just accept it more for what it is, am less at war with myself for being sad/ mad/ bad ... It is.... It is, and will be a part of me.... X

      Delete
  10. Replies
    1. Seems like a lot of my readers do! It's like a big coming out ceremony. I just had to get naked first! X

      Delete
  11. ((((hugs)))) Lucy. You are a brave lady and thats why we all follow you- you tell the truth, no matter whats going on for you! we love you for your nakedness ;) I've been there too- had a little chemical holiday while I 'sorted myself out'- along side other therapeutic things! Sending you buckets of Love, Health and Happiness xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  12. This could have beeen written. For me. I can relate to every single line. I live in Ballycotton and meet you in La Leche. You are great. Catherine Casey

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Catherine, It is incredible how many people I know, or know of who have it. X

      Delete
  13. Right on Lucy! Putting this here out loud will take so much of the sting out of it - for you and everyone else! Yeh!
    Have been working on related stuff for a couple of years with a very wise woman here, and have such insights into it all now, but remember such dark dark days at the beginning....never did get the highs tho! Big hugs to you & congrats for your awesome bravery! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Lou, I am still seeking my wise woman....

      Delete
  14. Lucy that is one brave post. Big hugs to you for your honesty. In all honesty I don't think there is one artist alive who doesn't have this, without those troughs you'd never have had the depth of experiences you need to write and paint about. You go there because you are strong enough, then you come back and educate us all. I hope you and your family find peace in this xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry, logged in as my dh, this is Niamh O'Connell x

      Delete
  15. Lucy - keep on avoiding the labels and just be you, in the present moment, getting whatever assistance you might need to keep living authentically and joyfully. Sending you cyber hugs xx Just love all your posts. Julie

    ReplyDelete
  16. Lucy, I´ve just read this post and those comments and... oh... it´s like this to me too. I was sooo down in the begining of july -- in fact a little shadow is still around. You put in words my feelings (again!). Embracing these feelings (as hard as they can be) and knowing it´s all part of a cycle also helped me in those moments. Thank for your this post. Namaste.

    ReplyDelete

ShareThis

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...