Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Dog's Vagina

Have you ever been hugged in your inbox?

I know, it sounds a bit dodgy. But it's wonderful.

You go to your inbox, expecting the usual deluge of penile enhancement...

(ASIDE) "Yo, mo-fo! I have a VAGINA! Get that, I don't need no enhancement. I have a dedicated pleasure organ all of my very own."

(I'm practicing vaginal liberation at the moment - well not ACTUAL liberation, cos I'd get arrested for that - but actually, you know, SAYING the word, out loud, so my heart doesn't race and I don't feel like puking in my bag and fainting, just because I named a body part. Seriously, my hands are shaking. VAGINA - ha! Take that!! Have you ever tried painting one. No, not your own - we're not talking vajazzles - we're talking actually taking a paint brush or a pen and doodling one - in a private note book - heart pounding at the thought? It's insane. I'm doodling a VAGINA a day to overcome the fear. Pink. Beautiful. Truly, nothing to be afraid of. Because seriously, teenage boys draw willies everywhere - on school desks, park benches, toilet doors and even on our village name sign - they OWN their magic wands. But us, we just cross our legs and keep up the pretense that there's nothing down there.)

So anyway, back to inboxes (getting my double-entendre there? Are ya? Are ya?)

You know when you go to your inbox - expecting the usual junk mail, Pay Pal receipts, round robin circulars and you wonder why you bother to check it anymore. And then, just as you're about to slash and burn your emails, you spot one from an unfamiliar name. And rather than trying to extort $10 million from you, they're saying wonderful, kind, appreciative loving things. Or perhaps it's your mum. Or your friend. Or an ex student (thank you Simon - see below!) And you go all warm and tingly and you think - ah! Lovely.

"Most impressed with 'Dreaming Aloud', I love both the concept and the design: it reaches out, gently takes you in for a hug and whispers in your ear! Ten out of Ten!"

Now, Simon would die if he read this (believe me, I know him, he would!), but this description of Dreaming Aloud is a bit like VAGINAs. According to Naomi Wolf's new book: VAGINA: a new biography,  VAGINAs do actually pull a man in to them when they are aroused and ready. Actively wanting to embrace their partner. 

So can I set you a challenge - go hug someone in their inbox right now. (Take that which ever way you want!) Go tell them how special they are. How much you appreciate their work. That you love them. That they, in your eyes, are the dog's VAGINA. (You see we don't even have a positive phrase with them in - so now it's coined!)

Because a woman, when she feels loved and appreciated, physically opens. Say a kind word and the VAGINA smiles. Her heart opens. The world is a better place. And all because of you.

And while you're at it, use the word VAGINA once today - with glowing eyes, knowing that truly there's nothing to be ashamed at and lots to love. (Go on, men folk, send your woman an email ode to her VAGINA - she will frame it in her heart for ever, and she will, no doubt, hug you with it later!)

For the record, this post was supposed to be about nice emails. But turned into a VAGINA liberation post - just in time for my appearance on the radio this evening!!!! Oh and the blogging course on Saturday - ah! wonderful!) I am the crazy VAGINA woman!

(How many times did I mention it? You don't think anybody noticed do you?!)

9 comments:

  1. awesome post - it made my vagina smile, esp with the anticipation of a huge squishy hugged inbox. its just what every girl should have :-)

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  2. Ha ha ha ha! Brilliant post and its given me an idea... my husband still draws the classic bus stop cock on everything, he thinks its funny, I found one on the scrap of paper I'd written my table measurements on to take to the shops for a new tablecloth, anyway, it bugs me so i'll just start drawing vaginas (oooh I typed it) on his stuff. He'll either love it or hate it. I think we both know which but I'll let you know! :)

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  3. Thanks Shivani!!

    HAHAHA classic, Leigh, love that term "the classic bus stop cock!" Vagina liberation a-go-go!!!

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  4. ha ha ha the classic bus stop cock! brilliant, this whole post is VAGINA!!!

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  5. I am loving your quest to liberate the vagina! go you!

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  6. I just told my hubby that he's the dog's VAGINA. He stared at me, put on his coat, and escaped. I guess he doesn't want a hug??

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  7. Brilliant! YOU are the dog's vagina. A well-licked one at that! Great post. X

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  8. Thank you VAGINA owners one and all for your appreciation. Now I just have the small matter of teaching a serious blogging course. And launching a minor political revolution next week. And not feeling embarrassed at all. Now THAT's liberation!!

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