Getting real about your needs

Mummy is in love with daddy

These words fill my heart with joy. This is all I wanted to know, to feel, as a little girl. We want to give our children what we never had. And now I have. This is normal for my daughter. Never,ever has she, would she doubt it. How truly wonderful, that security of love.

When getting mindful about money, honesty is where it's at.

Honesty can be hard. It can make you feel sick to your stomach. Like hyperventilating. Like running as fast as you can.

But boy does it work in clearing space for ease, growth and possibility. Because, I have found, living less than the truth eats away at our energy.

I have been practicing it this year - with mixed "results". I find that honesty is best received by those who are willing and able to be honest themselves. The greater their disconnection from themselves, from their feelings, their truth, the harder it is to have mutual honesty.

But we can ALWAYS start, right now, with being more honest with ourselves. In a way that's all that really matters. Because when we are honest with ourselves we know what's what, there's nothing filed away in a scary box labelled "denial", which haunts our dreams with its shape shifting tendencies.

This is what we did before we shifted into our new work-balance and Mr Dreaming Aloud left the security of his old job.

We did the sums. And we figured out there were all sorts of things we would need to cut for the year. But we could cover all the biggies. And hoped that in future years we would be able to expand our earning capacity to allow a little more breathing space.

So let's turn the lights on your money. There are whole books devoted to this. If that's what you want, great.  But I suggest you spend 20 mins just making notes now. 

If you don't have a clear idea already - now's your time to get clear with yourself. Don't put yourself off by being anal and having to find every last receipt, but make a note of all your big financial commitments:

What do you owe: in loans, mortgages, insurance, car payments?
What do you need to pay for: power, fuel, school fees, taxes, food, basic transport, to keep shoes on everyone's feet and clothes on their backs. etc.
Now you have a baseline of what you NEED.

Now make a list of what you WANT - these are basic wants for your general happiness - say a family meal out once a month, swimming, £20 on your cell phone a month...

And finally luxuries - a foreign holiday, massages, pedicures, expensive clothes etc

Now one person's needs are another persons luxuries. It is personal. But it's good to know this about yourself - what do YOU consider a basic need rather than a luxury.

As I said, we did this, I shaved every single "luxury" I could off our needs - off went going to friend's weddings and wedding presents, my book habit, paying extra off our mortgage, the chiropractor and acupuncture, and eventually health insurance, dinners out, fewer bottles of wine...

We entered this experiment, of choosing work we love and shared childcare over a better paying job that made us all miserable. We chose abundance over wealth. So each time we know we can't afford something, I remind myself of what we have chosen instead.

On paper we would be in one of the lowest income brackets. But oh my the abundance we have. And that is why we're not poor. We have a strong community of friends, family and acquaintances and a culture of non-monetary interactions within that. We are blessed with a vibrant life in a beautiful location.

And you know what? We do have luxuries. New jobs find us. We find other ways - I top up my reading habit with requesting all the new releases I want to read for free as a book reviewer. I got our family a festival ticket via my work. We are using supermarket points in exchange for our ferry tickets...
There is abundance, possiblity, everywhere. We have to see it. To open our eyes for other ways to meet our needs. Other luxuries to enjoy. And then open ourselves to receiving them.

PS

I am excited to see this interview series Teaching What we Need to Learn which starts on 15th May - it is all about truth telling. It is big names being real - telling the truth behind their lives -Ram Dass, Don Miguel Ruiz, Byron Katie and many more. All for free.

Dearest Mama...

Dearest mama,

You started out with such high hopes, big dreams – how you would help the world to embrace your dear sweet children. You whispered your promises to them in the womb. Of how you would be the perfect mother – ever gentle, kind and patient. Of how you would do everything for them, with them. And you truly meant it.

For years you tried to be the perfect mama. But the pain that you weren’t was almost unbearable. You felt a failure. You felt guilty. You felt like giving up, running away. Often you threatened to quit.

Don’t be hard on yourself. You are the only mama they know. The only mama they love. The only mama you know how to be. And that is more than enough.

You wanted to make your past better through your mothering. But you can’t. You can’t erase your own pain, however hard you try to be perfect or love your children more.

You do your best not to recreate your own suffering it in their lives. You are committed to love. You are conscientious. And that has to be enough. The world does not change in a day, and neither will you. Remember you are your ancestors’ hopes and dreams incarnate. But you are also their hurts and failings writ large.

You love your children, though you may shout at them. You feed them and put up with their complaints when they don’t like dinner.  You clothe them and weather their tantrums over too-tight clothes. You mother them at six in the morning, at lunchtime, at midnight when they wake with sore teeth. When you are sick, you mother them still. You tend to their hurt knees with a mother’s love.  You help them to find the answers their souls are seeking. You tickle and tumble with them. You show them the size of a mother’s love and the reality of a mother’s life. You give them language with which to engage with the world. You hold their hearts in your hand and ask them about their dreams. You throw your sticks together into the river of life. Now watch them float. You are not meant to be their pilot. Let go with the flow. Let it wash over you all.

You spend so long focusing on the minutiae – the moments that you yell, not the moments that you embrace them, which in the bigger picture far out-number the cross words and impatience which you feel colours your days.

Be sure that what they will hold in their souls are all the things you cannot see – the way your hair falls over your face as you kiss them goodnight, the soft pillow of breast as they snuggle up to you at night, the way you say certain words, the magical contents of your jewellery box, your love of books, the way you loved them when they felt ill and frightened. When you cheered loudly for them in the school play or showed your heartfelt appreciation of their picture. And fleeting moments when you stood hand in hand on the edge of the ocean in the light of the full moon.

Just try, for a moment to see yourself through their eyes. See yourself as the most important woman in their world.

Because that is what you are. You, dearest woman, are a goddess to them, though they will never tell you. You are love incarnate. Your perceived flaws just make you human.

Allow yourself to feel the depth and breadth of your love. Their love. Nothing else matters.

  

Lucy x

This is my contribution to a very special book which has just been published. Note to Self : The Secret to Becoming your own Best Friend invites you to discover the beauty and power of self-love, acceptance and becoming your own best friend. Exploring topics such as Healing, Menstruation, Motherhood and Body Image, Note to Self shows you how to embrace who you are and write love letters for your soul. It includes a collection of letters from 30 inspiring women around the world including Tabby Biddle, Jane Harwicke Collings ... and me!!

Heartfelt and loving, it was the creative child of the lovely Jo MacDonald from The Red Box Company whom I met on the Goddess Circle who, like me, works in the field of women's and girl's empowerment.

E-books and paperback versions of Note to Self are available to buy from Jo, here...

"A truly inspiring read filled with encouragement on speaking your truth and living authentically!" Kimberly Wilson, Author of Hip Tranquil Chick and Tranquilista

“Every woman, in fact every teenage girl, should read this book...” Jen Saunders, Founder & Editor-in-chief Wild Sister Magazine
 
10% of all profits go to Plan's 'BECAUSE I AM A GIRL' charity project 

Lessons from the wise women of the web

You do not have to be good - just follow the hunger
 Heather Plett - who opens with the following quote from my favourite poet,  Mary Oliver -

You do not have to be good. 
You do not have to walk on your knees 
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. 
You only have to let the soft animal of your body 
love what it loves.

You are powerful beyond measure. Know that the feminine is rising in the world, in us all... 
The Happy Womb 

You are wise. You are strength.
The Spirit that Moves Me

Be powered by faith, courage, grace + self-kindness

Leonie Dawson.

Just let it go!
Birgit Kerr

If it feels hard...

If it feels hard, then the chances are you're breaking new ground.

And not just for yourself.... Though that is accomplishment enough.

You are also breaking ground for your family, perhaps for your community, perhaps even more people unknown in a wider circle of influence than you dare to dream.

If it feels hard its because you are pushing against the impossible not only in your own head, but in the minds of all your ancestors who came before you and your teachers on earth too.

You are doing what the world at large cannot envisage, within the crucible of your own life.

This takes true courage, true conviction. You are a person of vision and great heart.

If it feels hard, smile in your belly and know that you are truly amazing.

And then keep on going!

Just in case you didn't know...

A working definition of success

Do you have a working definition of success? One that is all yours. That articulates your values and ambitions, not someone else's in your family, or society at large? Have you taken time to evaluate the yardstick by which you measure your own success... or perceived failure?

For some success means lots of money, or fancy cars, their children's academic achievements or glittering promotions. 

But not me. I have always been a wanderer on a different path.

This is the definition of success which I adopted at college, when I fell in love with Emerson:

I am clarifying my work and intentions at the moment as I redesign The Happy Womb, and figure out which projects to give my energy to. 

In that process I have re written my About Page, here at Dreaming Aloud, to give you (and especially new visitors) a clearer idea of who I am and what I do, and what on earth this blog is about anyway!! (Though I am still figuring it out as I go along!)

And so I was delighted to find that although I have three children and a self made career, this is is still my definition.

The only thing I would add to it (apart from appearing on Oprah, and Desert Island Discs!!) is to have lots of my books, well thumbed, sitting on lots of happy women's bookshelves around the globe. And enough money to head off on our travels in a couple of year's time.

What's your working definition of success?

7 Top money resources for creative entrepreneurs

"When a deer drinks from a stream, the earth does not weep at the loss of
water. The value is cyclical. The earth is thankful for the deer, the deer is
thankful for the water. And the stream keeps flowing."

Tara Gentile, The Art of Earning

image: www.holidaysinsrilanka.com

And so, to the final post of my Mindful Money series.

What great feedback I've had from so many of you  on the Mindful Money series. Thank you all for reading and sharing, I'm glad it's been food for thought, and helpful to you. If you have missed any of the series, there is a list at the end of this post so you can catch up!

Do know that whilst I am philosophising about it here, I am still very much learning to put it into action now myself. I ebb and flow in my levels of confidence or cowardice. But I am learning. Slowly!

I know of so many women and men starting businesses right now, turning their passions into something they can make money from. Whether you are selling your wares at a market, your services, or establishing a more professional platform for your business, I think getting right about money - what to charge, how to cover your costs and time, and feel good about making a profit - is the biggest challenge on the road. Once you find peace with the money side of business, everything else falls into place.

" Our relationship with our money is directly

connected to our relationship with our

creativity." 

 Tara Gentile - The Art of Earning

The money freak-out thang is like a log damming up the river, once it's gone, everything else flows. After all, you're in business doing what you love, with passion and integrity. You want to be of service, to make a difference, to bring joy and love into people's lives - so the customer service aspect and the product aspect are there already to a degree - all you have to do is get confident in sharing your work with the world - and then taking right payment for it.

Oh it's so easy in black and white - but such a challenge in reality.

That's why there are a whole lot of people, some who have had great success in online business, and many, many self-styled prosperity coaches out there who want to HELP you, FOR A FEE!!! Many are cashing in on our insecurity, promising what they can't - and don't - deliver. I am always a little suspicious of people who make money out of telling other people how to make money!! They tend to be the ones who charge high prices, just to prove that they're worth it. A lot of them BUY their own ego bullshit.

I have done a lot of investigating, sampling and reading. I have found a number of products and e courses out there with major hype, and major prices (the Spark e course is one, at $150 for an ebook? Seriously?)

Here are my pick of the crop. Some free, some paid - but ALL offer SOME great free resources. I have used them all myself, though not necessarily for the prices they sell for (I got a number of them from the great 72 hour bundle deal I was talking about earlier this month).

But before you spend REMEMBER this: NO ONE CAN DO IT FOR YOU! They can give you tools, systems, flashes of insight, and methods for blasting through blocks - but the courage, the action, the application - is all YOURS!

So my top picks:

1) Leonie Dawson's Business e course. I found her e-book the single most useful tool in kickstarting my blogging, writing,online business, and selling my art. The e-course version, with built in support and feedback  is starting  on June 1st. She's also giving away a free e-book at the moment which has many handy biz and money tips and tricks which is well worth getting your hands on!

2) The $100 Start Up - a great new book from Chris Guillebeau. Highly readable in tone, it shares stories of successful passion based entrepreneurs who started on a shoe string, gleaning wisdom and practical tools from their experiences. I'm really loving it and recommend it very highly. He has a range of courses and e books for our types!

3) Maria Forleo's sassy b school looks seriously good for hands-on practical training in online business. I am really tempted, this year's intake includes a LOT of big names who I follow. But the $1999 fee is more than we have to invest right now. You can still get nuggets of her business insight through the great free videos she does, which I highly recommend.


4) The Art of Earning  is super-good for challenging the stories you tell yourself about money. I'm re-reading it at the moment and it is chock-full of major "AHA!" moments! I love that she sells it as a pay what you can deal.

5) Etsy does a great free blog and newsletters dedicated to pricing, selling and entrepreneurship. This post is great on pricing strategies

6) I'd Rather be in the Studio - is a great practical business e-book for artists and creatives of all colours. Full of very practical advice for setting up systems for getting strong business and money systems in place, building up mailing lists and keeping clients. It is a no bull shit book.

Oh and I have just discovered...

7) Designing an MBA has a great blog on the topic of money, profit, pricing and business for creative entrepreneurs as well as e courses and e books - and if you sign up to her mailing list gives away a great e book for free

Do share your favourite books/ e courses and teachers!

This is part of the Mindful Money series at Dreaming Aloud. Take some time to check out the other posts on...

Naming Your Price

Our Matriarchal Inheritance
The Blessing of Money
Guilt and money
The ugly ducking sells out: Finding my inner entrepreneur
Transformational Teachers
Beyond Money

The road less traveled

Every day that I walk down to work in the tea house, the winding muddy path through the woods, my own road less traveled, these words run through my mind.

I know them in every cell of my body.

I know the conventional me that I could have been, should have been in the eyes of the world - the PhD, the job in academia, having a proper job, not getting married too young, or having kids too young, for that matter. I certainly should have had them in a hospital, and not breastfed them half too long. And once I had kids the pressure to "just" be a mother started. The pressure to be a good woman, take care of my family and let my own dreams slide.

I know all this.

And give thanks for the courage it has taken, to walk the road less traveled.

Have you taken the road less traveled in your own life?
Was it worth it?
Or if not, how might you take the first step down it?

A Mother's Prayer

Just going through the archives and saw this - love it, so wanted to share it again!

All mothers 

Who art down the road, in the house next door, all around the world,

Hallowed be thy names,

Thy time will come, thy work will be done.

You give this day the daily bread - endless sandwiches (with crusts off, and cut the right way), wraps and pittas, with hummous or ham, jam or peanut butter, with butter or without, that will be left half-eaten.

Forgive us our shouting and lack of patience,

As we forgive those grubby fingered little sods who drew on the walls with our lipstick, sat on their sister, spat out their dinner and said mean things to their brother, and decided he'd prefer another mama.

And lead us not into temptation - three slices of cake is enough for a mama, and the grass is not always greener despite what you might think.

But deliver us from repeating cycles of abuse, hurt and destruction upon our precious charges,

For theirs is the future,

The power and the glory are not apparent right now,

Forever, and ever, and ever they seem to take to go to sleep, and it all seems a blur,

But one day we will see the results of this daily drudge and give thanks for our part in this miracle.

Ah men, don't know how good they've got it…or what they're missing out on!

Because I love you...

Because I love you, I want to share all the goodness in the world with you
Because I love you, I want to wrap my arms around you and tell you it will be alright
Because I love you, I want you to be happy to the tips of your fingers
Because I love you, I want to share my cake with you
Because I love you, I want you to care for yourself as the most precious possession
Because I love you, I share this with you...

This morning the weekly goddess circle e-zine popped into my inbox. In it was an e-book - Message from the Angels - beautiful words, precious images, created with love. It lifted me, and I deeply want to share it with you all. But I can't, unless you choose it for yourself. And that, you see, is the rule of life. We have to let goodness into our own hearts. We have to help to co-create magic. It's all there, just there within your grasp - but you have to reach it yourself.

For the record I am not big into goddesses and angels myself. But goodness, love beauty, celebration, inspiration, support, creativity, practical tools - it's all in the goddess circle, the e-courses and books, in bucketloads. I cannot begin to express what wonders it has helped me create in my life this year. And that, that is what I want for you too.

I KNOW it costs money. I know you might not be sure.  But please, dear one, if you are at all curious, if you feel a pull in you, do come and join me in the goddess circle.